I’m sure some perfect Suburban princess will take a glance at this and say, “Just ask him nicely.” But, c’mon, you know you’ve tried it and it didn’t work. That’s why we’re here. Your man doesn’t listen. Chances are he was wishing you came with a mute button by your second date. Screw being nice, if you want the man in your life to clean up after himself, you need to play hardball. Here’s how.
Disclaimer: This guide is satirical.
Understand the Enemy
The first thing you have to know to get your man to clean up after himself, is Man. Man needs three basic things to function happily and understanding these things will put you at an advantage. Need #1, (and I will add that the order isn’t going to be the same for every guy,) sex. Need #2, food. Need #3, AVEM or Audio-Visual Escape Mechanism such as television, video games, golf, etc. Don’t fool yourself by thinking that money and power is on his list of necessities. Guys want money and power to attract sex, and to buy food and toys. If getting needs met was cheap and easy, all men would be on your couch in dirty underwear, eating cereal and playing video games while you kneel before him waiting for his command to worship him in whatever way he saw fit. I think the only reason why men shower is because they enjoy having company from time to time; so, you see how much leverage you actually have?
The Tools
Now that you know more about your man, you need your tools for dealing with this knowledge. We can’t beat them into submission, the human rights people would be all over us; and not too many of us have the upper body strength to carry out the task anyway. We can’t drug them or implant some sort of device into their frontal lobes, the human rights people and the police would team up to lock us away. We have to use what the good Lord blessed us with, incredible intelligence, and carefully craft the right plan. We have to barter, threat, and withhold. These tools are better than the phone books police use to interrogate their suspects without leaving a mark.
The Strategy
So now you know what you’re dealing with and you know what tools to work with. Here’s how you put it all together.
Sex
If the only reason you stay with your man is for him to open jars, kill spiders, and uh, reach that little itch that needs to be scratched; this section may not be for you. But for everyone else, you can use your tools on your man’s need for sex to get him to clean up his act. So, what is he doing? Dropping his dirty socks and boxers on the floor…right next to the empty hamper? You can barter with him. You can say, “Honey, if you’ll just pick up after yourself, I’ll do that thing you like me to do without it being your birthday.” Of course, you realize that if he does his part, you must do yours. So, be careful at what you’re offering. On one hand, you want to show him that you’re willing to do something you don’t like to do if he’ll do the same. On the other hand, you can just pick up his socks and be able to look yourself in the mirror the next day.
If the bartering doesn’t work, you’ll have to threat. “So help me, if you don’t start putting your clothes in the hamper, you’ll be a missionary man for the rest of your natural life!” If he can’t add some variety to his way of life, i.e. cleaning up after himself instead of making you do it, don’t give him variety in his sex life.
There is the possibility that he still won’t do his share in the relationship. You have to withhold sex. I know that makes it a little difficult on you sometimes. If he isn’t rolling off of you and into a deep slumber, you may have to talk to him until he goes to sleep every night. And you may have to take some matters into your own, uh, hands. But, hey, he isn’t helping out. He has to pay the price.
Food
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach for a reason, use it to get him to make your way to the bathroom mirror. You’re tired of having to throw all of your weight on the door to get in because his towel has somehow gotten wedged beneath. And then when you get in, you have to wonder how he could get toothpaste EVERYWHERE. Let’s not even talk about the toilet seat. So you barter, “Sweetheart, if you could just wipe out the sink in the morning, I’ll have a big breakfast waiting for you.” As with the sex, you’ll have to have that breakfast ready and waiting as promised. If you aren’t that great of a cook, this section may not be for you.
If you leave him at the table to inhale all the bacon and eggs and still have to fight your way into the bathroom, you need to pull the plate away. Threaten him, “that was your last mouthful of bacon ever, if you don’t go in there and clean up your mess.” He’ll look at you like you pulled a knife on him, but he’ll get up and do his duty because he’s still hungry.
Now, if your man is so stupid that he says he’ll get something on his way to work and leaves you hanging with his dirty dishes AND the messy bathroom. You’ve got to follow through with your threat and withhold the bacon. Cook every grease-popping piece and find someone to feed it to: the pet dog, the homeless man at the intersection, your co-workers. Just don’t let him eat it. You can go as far as to make yourself meals, clean up your own dishes, and leave him at the table with fork and knife in hand wondering why you’ve turned off the lights in the kitchen without bringing him dinner first. Or, you could scrape off all of the toothpaste he left and put it on his plate. “I told you, no more bacon!”
AVEM (Audio-Visual Escape Mechanism)
Did he dump his jacket, keys, and whatever else just where you asked him not to when he came home? Barter. “Why don’t you hang up your jacket and put your keys on the hook and we’ll watch what you want to watch tonight?” Just know that you may be watching monster trucks crush school buses for two hours.
You may have to threaten. “If you can’t help out around here, I’m going to take the remote control away! We both know you’ll never stand up to turn the channel!”
If that doesn’t work, withhold. You watch him drop his stuff and then you get his attention, “Hey! What did I tell you?” Pull the flowers out of the nearest vase and put the remote control in the water right before his very eyes. Then grab a book and sit down in his favorite chair to read.
Other suggestions
Sometimes, you can make a simple statement that doesn’t border on bartering, threatening, or withholding. They’re suggestive statements that can be effective if you think quickly and execute them properly.
If the dishes are piled up and he’s giving you the “Babe, do you wanna?” look, you sigh and say, “I just hope I’ll have the energy to rock your world after I wash all of these dishes.” He’ll offer to rinse.
For the timeless question, “What’s for dinner?” You can respond, “Who has time to cook? I’m trying to clean this pig sty!” He’ll compromise with picking some things up for a tray of store-bought lasagna that should be done baking by the time you’re done cleaning.
When he can’t find the remote control, just suggest, “I don’t know, dear, maybe it’s underneath all of your stuff there on the couch.” It isn’t a definite, but he might put something away for some quality TV time.
If all else fails, you can kick him out and start fresh with someone else.
As for the clothes on the bedroom floor; if it’s on the floor then it is still in the guy’s control and he’ll re-wear it until he’s decided it’s dirty enough to be washed. What’s the point in throwing it in the hamper so it can be rewashed constantly until your new favorite shirt looks like it’s 5 years old.
If he makes a mess in the bathroom, then get two bathrooms or hire a maid. How many people do you know that go into the toilet room to admire its beauty? If no one is coming over, what’s the point in expending twice as much time/energy to clean it as it does to dirty it.
And as for the bacon, touch my bacon and you can go back to live at your moms.
If you can’t get him to help, I say let him take care of his own clothes as far as washing them; when he runs out of clothes, I’m sure he’ll get the picture.
If he leaves his clothes on the floor, don’t pick them up. Maybe he will realize how bad he really is if it’s left there for him to see instead of you picking them up.
One thing I did once was get a hotel for three days. Didn’t tell him where the kids and I were going either. He was so happy to see me that he started helping. I think he knew I was trying to teach him a lesson because the house was spotless when we got home.
I totally disagree with the whole withholding strategy. It only causes more stress on the relationship. You have to communicate. (Possibly saying the same thing 15 different ways until he can relate.) When they truly understand why something affects you in a certain way, it helps them remember to not do it.
I disagree.
Most men are highly resistant to change in general; most are still stuck in the 1950’s mode that tells them cleaning is “chick work”.
I’ve tried everything I could to communicate gracefully and respectfully to my man about him needing to pick up after himself AND me. After all, he is unemployed and I support him financially. No luck.
Time for some withholding and threats.
I can get my dog to do things faster than my husband. He will not do it just because you are asking. Explaining doesn’t help. All he needs is his gaming and food and he doesn’t care if you do it. He throws a ready meal in microwave. He doesn’t mind his clothes on the floor either. I never pick it up. Why would I? They’re his clothes; he needs to take care of them. Same goes with laundry; he does his own when he runs out. He is extremely messy; so be it. It’s his mess, not mine.
Something I found that works to get him to help clean up a bit is to very gently say, “could you do my job?” Answer, “no.” Then, “wouldn’t you like some help if it were yours?” Answer “yes.” “Then get your a** up and do something constructive please!!”
I guess you all live with men that are pushovers. The best thing to do is to just outright tell him. The withholding is NOT a good idea. All us men know how to play the GAME and we are really good at it. Don’t think we are just barbarians. We haven’t run this world since time began for nothing. Best advice I could give you would be try out the video game he plays, watch the TV show he watches, set aside time for cleaning the house once a week. I promise this will make a better life for both of you. STOP playing these bu****it games!!! They are stupid, we know what you are doing from the beginning and it just pisses us off. So we play your little game and most times it gets taken too far. Think about that before using these tips.
I think my husband is the one playing the game. Treating me with disrespect just because he can and laying up on his ass while I take care of all the responsibilities is horse manure, especially when I ask very little of him.
Are all these “tips” on here supposed to be a joke? This is not communication: it is cruelty.
These little “tricks” outlined by Meme would be the quickest way to getting her kicked out of my house. Most of the other “advice” is childish and a good way to begin divorce proceedings. (Or just make him want to beat you and hide the body…)
What happened between the time you “loved” this guy enough to move in with him and now seem to hate every little thing about him. While HE is out working ALL DAY at a job he likely hates, why should he have to come HOME to this ABUSE? I hope there are no children watching this soap-opera behavior going on. How old are you, fourteen?
I love how you just assume all men hold the jobs, and women must be sitting at home with nothing better to do.
Not me. I own my house; I paid it off with my job. I support him financially, and he still won’t barely lift a finger to help me.
And he’s not the only one. Practically all of my boyfriends have been this way.
The funniest thing about your post is that you seem to think that you deserve some sort of medal because you work outside the home…supporting some guy’s lazy ass, and letting him live in your home scot-free. And then you say ALL your boyfriends have been that way…so I don’t understand how you have the colossal gall to denigrate a SAHM housewife “sitting at home with nothing better to do.” Sounds like jealousy from an idiot to me.
Rick, thank you for reminding me to use the tactic about working all day at a job I hate just to come home to his mess. We both work, but for some reason, in his head, once he comes home, the work is done, but it’s completely acceptable to make MORE work for me by being messy and inconsiderate. That is my issue. Why is he so inconsiderate? When he makes a request of me to follow certain house rules, I comply without question because I know it’s important for him. When I make the same request time and time again, it just falls on deaf ears. It’s just inconsiderate, especially since most days, I come home after he does.
How about men being men & not boys looking for their mother to clean up after them. Grow the hell up already! Men are lazy slobs these days. Oh…big deal…you go to a job you hate. Women go to a job they hate all while raising kids, cooking , cleaning, laundry, bills etc. The last thing we need is for a grown “MAN CHILD” to have to be tended to like a five-year-old.
I LOVE how the men are responding with such violent tendencies to the postings that the women are leaving. I think all of this is so dead on it is hilarious.
The only reason the men are mad because it is so true. They can only think of themselves and can’t gather that someone else may want a little time for themselves.
I hope that Rick really thinks that we love our jobs so much that we then look forward to our day ending to clean up after him. But don’t forget about the kids and the bills that magically get taken care of. OH, where did that magic wand come from.
I think the only reason women get themselves in these situations in the first place is that you don’t tell your man your expectations in the first place. You make dinner everyday, have sex whenever he wants, wash his clothes and say, “that’s okay honey, I’ll do it.” Then, you get tired of doing it all the time and have a man who thinks your going to do it all, because you have been.
I am a man. You can save a couple years and a lot of legal fees by just getting your divorce as soon as you start having this mentality, before you get worse. Withhold sex and fellatio if you want your guy to have an affair or hire a woman who aims to please. About 65% of married men in the USA cheat. Want to push your guy there?
Really, try to out-do him with kindness. Love him unselfishly the very best you can. If you are lucky, he will respond in kind. A dog will respond, good for good. Some people do to. If he does, you can have a nice life, with or without socks on the floor. Your happiness is 95% what you choose to think about. You choose one: escalate to evil, selfishness, competition, war, zero sum game. Or escalate to kindness, tolerance, and love.
My wife says I am the sweetest man she ever met. She is serious. I treat her with love, everyday, in almost all ways. She is mostly the same toward me, but sometimes only gives back 1/2 what I give. That’s OK! The human mind is self-centered, so if I think I do twice the nice things she does, in real truth maybe we are even. And there is no great virtue in even, except if your in middle school. Give all you can, be content with 1/3 back. But if I had a wife like the original poster, I’d want to leave her.
My husband tends toward the sloppy side, and I blame his mom for pampering him. We had a HUGE conversation (read: fight) over the issue of helping out around the house. We came to the agreement that as long as I was not working outside of the house, everything in it became my domain, and he couldn’t complain how I did it, as long as it got done. When I got a job, the rules changed. We both do laundry, I cook, he cleans, or vice versa, and we both maintain our own personal spaces. All it takes is communication, and a deep understanding of where the other is coming from. I can guarantee that if you even start thinking about doing the “tips” up there, then you will be one lonely, bitter woman.
I live with my boyfriend and I feel that I may have to break up with him, nothing I have tried has worked to get him to help out more. He just says he is too busy, which is hilarious because I work full time and go to school, and still have time to clean the house and do all the laundry. I just am at my wits end; I know if I move out I will still have to do all the chores myself, but at least I won’t have to clean up after him. Like the above posts, I think his mom over pampered him and I pity that woman who is stuck living with him forever. It is so sad too because I really do love him and he is a good man, but I can’t and won’t do it all. I am not his slave or maid and I tried to tell him how it hurts my feelings that he doesn’t care how I feel, but he just promises he will clean up after himself and then never does it. Just the most selfish person ever.
Same here. I love him. He is a good man, but he doesn’t care about helping with chores and when he does, you need to do it all over again after him. He just won’t do a good job in whatever he does except perhaps playing an online game. Yes, that’s all he does apart from going to work and eating and I have come to the conclusion I need to get out. Just like you say, if he can’t even do simple stuff after himself. I don’t like feeling like a slave.
I have straight up asked my boyfriend to clean up his mess, but he “forgets,” which is probably the same exact thing that Rick, Kane, etc. all use. I know you think that because you have such a “hard job” you have some kind of right to play video games, watching TV or jerk off for hours on end while we run around the house cleaning up after you. Here’s a news flash. I have a job too!! How would you like to work all day at your job and then spend two hours of your “downtime” cleaning up after someone who “forgot”? Give me a break.
If we ask you, you forget. If we ask you more than once, we’re nagging. If we trick you, you kick us out of your house. If we withhold sex, then you cheat on us. It’s a lose-lose for us. So, basically, you want us all just to shut-up and let you live the way you want. Go ahead then, let your dog pee all over your house and never clean it. Leave your pee in the toilet that you never flush until it overflows. Never wash your clothes or yourself or vacuum. Go ahead and leave all the lights on in your house and all the doors open. Let the stray cats just wander in and out as they please. When you run out of food because you “forgot” to go shopping and you haven’t slept in four days because you’ve been playing video games and haven’t eaten anything except KFC in two months and you have violent stomach cramps, DO NOT come crying to me! We do these things because we want to live in a pleasant house and to make your life easier. We don’t do it because we are all selfish *itches who only want what’s best for us. Maybe you guys are the ones who are being selfish.
You are a poet genius. Took the words right out of my mouth. Appreciate seeing happiness as a self guided tour, however some of you men (and women) are hormonally imbalanced surface dwelling sloth people who, like the above poster described, sit around and escape responsibility because you hate yourselves.
I’m going through this same experience TBH. This is why I honestly want to just give up on men LOL. I will either try with women or I will just be single for the rest of my life because I cannot be happy with a man.
“Disclaimer: This guide is satirical.”
Seems most people didn’t get it. This is an article of what NOT to do. I think it’s in poor taste, personally. Maybe someone thinks it’s funny…
I have met some clean men, but I am with one that is unorganized and doesn’t clean up after himself, and if somehow I get him to do the laundry, he puts ALL types of clothes together in the washer (including towels with dedicates). He won’t do it right (probably on purpose) so that I don’t ask him again..? When he does the dishes (because I asked “politely”) he never gets them all done (like come on..if the pans need to be scrubbed and you are going to soak them… and like always not come back to them… be a man and use your strong arms to scrub!) and he doesn’t clean and wipe down the sink and wipe out the drains! Let me say this: I am a stay-at-home mom, I go to college a few times a week… I do not complain much for him to help me clean because he works. I appreciate him working so I will make him something to eat to take to work and do all the main cleaning (wipe the piss off around the bottom of the toilet kind of stuff). What I don’t like is the fact that he can actually LIVE in a dirty unorganized house and NOT care that it is dirty… that’s what gets me. He won’t pick up after himself and I compare that to “how would he feel if he is at work sweeping the floor and getting it all nice and clean and then suddenly his boss comes behind him and spills something on the clean floor and doesn’t clean it up, almost like he just knows the dude sweeping will get to it… because it is his “job.” That is how I feel when I am at home cleaning the floors and mopping them and he comes home – stomp stomp (dirt from shoes falls on floor) “oh she’s got a broom in her hands, she’ll get it…” COME ON! And yes, the hamper thing really ticks me off. I have even asked him time and time again to not throw them on the floor; I am not your mom, pick them up and put them in the hamper that happens to be right by your side of the bed. I got him to not throw them on the floor, instead he throws them ON the hamper instead of opening the top and putting them in. FINE… at least they are not on the floor, but hell… it’s like he is throwing it in my face that he will do whatever it takes not to listen to me… to spite me. I clean up after myself, my son, and him. He goes to work, brings home the money… his job is finished. Sure, he had an hour of a lunch break at work… me… maybe when the kid takes a nap… but my job NEVER ENDS. At least my job is in the comfort of my own home and not at a place where I may hate my boss and the other workers. [May I add that before I got pregnant, I was working two jobs; found out I was pregnant and kept working BOTH jobs for a while. He was laid off and collecting unemployment. I was STILL picking up after him, So really, it doesn’t matter that I am now a stay-at-home mom because once upon a time I wasn’t and he stayed at home and did NO cleaning whatsoever.] BITE ON THAT.
PS: His fishing tackle boxes are completely clean and organized and he keeps his boat nice and swept… Oh do I want to re-arrange his lures so bad!!!!
If he doesn’t start pitching in, you could mention that his lures have gone “missing”, but they may turn up once the house is clean. And that they definitely won’t if he doesn’t do it NOW.
LOL.
It’s funny to hear the same thing I’m experiencing from other women – that their guy just wouldn’t notice the dirt anyway even if we stopped cleaning it; that no matter how disappointed or angry or sad we get about it, they just don’t give a crap. We can say how it’s frustrating us to the point of not wanting to live with them, yet they still refuse to take us seriously. It’s amazing how selfish this comes off, and guys, if you don’t mean for it to, look again, because we are the ones sacrificing our time and energy for the good of both of us; so we are being selfless and kind whereas you ignoring the situation is disrespectful and selfish. I hope this BS doesn’t ruin my own relationship; I’m at the end of my rope after 11 of my prime years of my life. I hope they don’t go to waste!
I think this post is ridiculous. I am a married woman with two kids. My husband doesn’t always clean up after himself, but I’m not perfect either. Sometimes I feel like I am doing all the giving. And if you talk to my husband, he will tell you that sometimes he feels like he is doing all the giving. We give and take. In reality, we do our best, shower each other with love, ask each other for help, and treat each other like the human beings we are. From women to women, I think several of you need to worry a little less of yourself and a little more of your man.
I agree with Robert, my dad cleaned up after himself, did housework, helped with kids, treated my mother with love and respect. He taught my brothers to respect their better-halves and do their part, which they do. But my husband is nothing like them. He works, I work, but he does NO housework, or clean up after himself. He could trip on his dirty clothes on the floor, kick the empty dirty clothes basket, and swear at me. I collect up his dirty supper dishes and clean the kitchen when I get home from work at 11 p.m. while he is asleep. So you ladies that state your man cleans up sometimes, consider yourselves loved.
This is one of the dumbest posts I’ve seen in a long time. You got the first two of the three “man needs” right. Sex, Food, and PRAISE!! Men, Children, Pets, and Women aren’t all that much different. We all want something that feels good, we all need food, and when we do a good job, we want someone to notice it.
Withholding sex is dumb. First of all, if you put it up there with a “need” and than withhold it, isn’t that considered abuse by 95% of the population? Besides, when my husband knows he doesn’t have to want in that area, he’s more than willing to help out around the house. I do the cooking, and he cleans up after dinner.
As a stay-at-home-mother, we’ve divided up the chores. Anything that would get done during the day while he’s at work is my job. Scrubbing bathing, laundry, and other such things, I do. Anything that gets done after diner when he’s home from work, we split. He’ll do a general pick up in 4 out of the 8 rooms in our house.
If your man won’t help after you’ve talked to him in an adult way, then maybe it’s time to start looking for someone knew. It’s as much about love and respect as anything else. And for some of you, you might want to look at what behaviors you do that annoy him. Because just as much as we can do things to annoy them to change their behavior, they can do the same thing. So maybe if you stop standing in front of the TV while he watches his game, he’ll pick up his socks.
I am about to lose my mind! I totally agree with Ariette. My man should pick up after himself and not leave it for me to deal with just because it doesn’t bother him. C’mon! Just because it doesn’t bother him doesn’t mean it’s right to leave his mess everywhere! There is a household to keep running smoothly and if he lives there he should do his part and be respectful.
I am the one working and paying the bills and he only picks up side jobs here and there, and STILL he won’t do his part or even clean up his OWN mess!? That is just wrong! What do I look like a maid? That’s not love.
If you love someone you are considerate to them. You help with the cleaning because you love them and because you live there too. And if you are a caring husband or boyfriend, you even go out of your way once in a while and clean the house before your spouse gets home from work, to make the weight on their shoulders a little less heavy. BET SHE would return the caring and consideration 10 fold. And you tell them you appreciate them! Duh! It’s not that difficult. Love and be kind and considerate. If you don’t think that is fair, leave and be a lonely slob.
…is how many men are angry that their women are angry that they don’t pick up after themselves. This article was meant to be funny, and also meant to blow off steam. I have no problem doing the cooking and cleaning, what I do have a problem with is picking up after my husband. He is not the only one who works, and if I can put my own clothes away, remember to feed my pets, and get my own dishes in the dishwasher, then why doesn’t he have to do the same? Sex isn’t a right, and withholding it is certainly not abuse. But, if you would rather cheat on me than pick up after yourself, then walk your sorry ass out the door right now. Keeping a house together is a lot of work, and it doesn’t take much for it to fall apart, especially when certain occupants don’t do anything to help. I expect to pick up after my toddler and my dogs. If you want me to treat you like an adult human, you better act more responsibly than they do. Because at this point, you don’t, and worse than that, you defend your right to be a slob.
These aren’t “games.” They are our attempts to get through to the male psyche about what is important to us, because, in theory, if we are important to you then what is important to us is important to you as well. But more often than not we feel ignored, so we try to come up with creative ways to get our point across, because if you’re not neanderthal morons that means you’re willfully selfish. When we sit down and rationally explain our needs and wants to you, and you tell us too bad, you don’t want to help so you aren’t going to, that just shows that you’re an immature jerk. If you did what was necessary so our home wasn’t an embarrassment to have company into then we wouldn’t feel we need to resort to “games.” If you paid attention and cared enough about us to help, we wouldn’t feel the need to deprive you of sex. If you took pride in your home, then maybe we could take pride in you. Ultimately, you’re looking for a justification for being an ass, and as long as you convince yourself you’ve found it, you’ll always be a loser.
I would really like to know what makes you think you deserve to eat my cooking and enjoy my clean house and have sex with me on my sweetly-smelling sheets when you aren’t willing to give me anything in return. What, exactly, do you contribute that you think is worth the time and effort I put in for your comfort after I get home from my job; like I want to do more work at home and don’t want a break? You disgust me.
I thought my situation was unique and so I often dream of leaving my husband and finding a man who gave a crap. After reading these comments, I’m starting to think I won’t find a man that is compatible with me. My daydreams are dashed and hopes of living happily in a clean home are ruined.
I really sympathize with all the hardworking women who have to clean up after their lazy boyfriends or husbands. What really blows my f$%^%#@ lid off is that they only want to change when to tell them that you’re ready to move out! Here’s my situation… I met a man that appeared to be a neat freak. After moving in with him after a year of dating, he misrepresented who he was!
We’ve been living with one another for about five months, and everything I clean for him becomes a pile of sh^%! I’ve had several talks with him regarding me needing a little more help around the house. Through one ear, out the other. Just last night I said if he doesn’t consistently show interest in cleaning more, I’m going to move out! I hate that I had to throw this ultimatum in his face, but I saw an immediate change… I just don’t know if it will last this time. Before he met me, he didn’t care to line the garbage with garbage bags (gross), didn’t know how to tie up the garbage when it’s full, etc… I feel like I have to pull my hair out to get help. It is so incredibly frustrating, and because of this, I don’t even want to have sex with him!
He’s six years older than me, and acts like a juvenile… The attention that he needs is incredibly unbearable. He walks around the house showing off his butt and thinks it’s cute. Maybe in the beginning I thought it was, but guess what? I’m sick of being his maid, and feeling taken advantage of; he can prance around butt naked and it doesn’t make me feel a thing!
I seriously dream of having a man that knows how to listen well, can be intuitive to cleaning responsibilities, hold a professional job and have a loyal heart and body.
I would cry and adore a man that can consistently show that type of love and commitment… I am that woman that can shares the same.
OMG… I am so with you… just don’t make the mistake I made and marry “The Representative”… At least you can leave and regain your sanity…
What a sad article. I know it was meant to be funny, but I think many of the comments show why divorce is so prevalent in today’s society.
Yeah, my husband is sloppy. So am I. We really struggle with keeping the house clean. If I feel like the house is getting bad again, or I feel like I’m doing all the work, I sit down with him and we talk about it. I don’t just tell him “you need to help me clean.” That doesn’t really help. We make up a chore list (just like the kind you make for kids) and split them between us. Most chores we switch off every month or so, but there are a few that we prefer to others and so are permanent (he does dishes, I do laundry). We hold each other to account for completing our chores.
Aren’t we all adults here? Communication is the best tool you have, not withholding important things.
This is from my experience: First of all, men don’t care about living in filth. They prefer to wear dirty clothes and prefer to allow a mountain of trash to build up next to them. Withholding sex does nothing since it’s not something they want anyway.
Withholding food does nothing since he’d prefer to not have home cooked food as it makes too many dirty dishes, and trying to take away the video games will only get you beat up. The video games are the center of the universe, you don’t touch those or interfere with his playing them.
It’s our duty to work, take care of the house, and take care of them. It’s not fair to expect them to do anything. We’re lucky they tolerate us at all.
Sounds like you are enabling him. Everyone needs to pitch in with cleaning and picking up and putting things back where they belong. Love, share and respect each other.
I have read all your comments with interest; however it’s my wife who is the problem – she has no idea how to put anything away. My quality of life is awful, I have a full time job and spend most of my weekend cleaning/tidying up. If I mention it, she gets angry; WITH ME!!! I’ve threatened to leave her, put all the stuff she leaves out in the dustbin and lots of other stuff – nothing has any effect.
Why don’t women realize you both have roles to play around the house? My agreement is that I’ll do all the leaves, grass, garbage, high, heavy and hot work that you won’t and couldn’t do and you do all the house work where it’s nice and and warm in the winter and cool in the summer? I’d much rather do house work, which really isn’t that hard. I mean, seriously, you have washing machines, dish washers and microwaves. I enjoy cooking so I’ll do that too, but don’t come and bitch at me because there is some piss on the floor… it’s sterile. Get over it and clean it up!
I’d much rather do yard work than clean a house. Mow a few times a month and weed eat and I walk a garbage can .5 miles and back again once a week. Raking leaves is only in fall. Riding lawn mower broke one year and I had to mow 5 acres with a pushmower for a year. I’m a woman who lives alone because I can’t find a man who can even weed eat. It’s like, I’m not your servant, so get outta my house.
If you dirty it, CLEAN it. If you drop it, PICK it up. If you empty it, FILL it. If you open it, CLOSE it. If you get it out, PUT it away. These rules were drilled into us as kids. My husband never learned these, so I don’t help him look for the stuff anymore, and if he gets too loud with me about not helping him look, I just go have coffee with a friend.
My husband takes it out and leaves it wherever he puts it. He spills it and leaves it lying around or smudges it even more. He dirtys it and leaves it dirty. He cuts his hair and leaves them lying on the floor. He couldn’t be more messy. It’s a nightmare living with someone like that. And when he cleans it, it has to be cleaned again. Unbelievable.
You people argue over a satirical article and by doing so, rather unwittingly show the awful truth. I feel for the women who have lazy husbands and boyfriends (and I’m a man) – and for the one guy, lol. But instead of bitching about and muttering, either talk to your man/woman and settle it or leave. I had the same scene with my girl – she was dumping all kinds of shit into the sink when the trash bin was 20cm to her right. Drove me crazy. First 10,000 times I told her nicely, then I screamed a couple of times, then told her 5,000 times nicely again. Now – miraculously – she stopped doing it.
Now she drops her old pants onto my fresh underpants drawer. X)
What I want to tell you is – you have it as you wanted it. If you don’t confront and play games, you’ll get one angry partner. And as a man – there is nothing I hate more than playing games with the person I’m living with.
Okay, here’s the deal, get over it! If he’s not doing all the heavy, high, gross work, then yeah, you have the right to bitch, but the next time you’re running late for work and you’re car has already been cleared of the surprise snow from the the night before, you might want to think about the difference between picking up dirty socks and scraping a foot of snow off a car in 0 degree temperatures.
I cook, I clean and I pick up after him.
He takes out the garbage, scoops the cat box and changes it, he cleans up the yard after the dog stole a bean burrito, he cleans out the gutters, he fixes door knobs, leaky faucets, and anything else that needs to be fixed, including my washer machine, he shovels the snow without complaint (our driveway is over 200 feet long), he mows the lawn, he washes the dog and takes the kids out after working for 12 hours because I need a break, he runs to the store for the forgotten ingredient in his least favorite dish, and he cleans up the hairballs the cats puke up.
Are their days I don’t like having to pick up after him and think that maybe he should do it himself? Sure, but then I remember what he does for me while working a full time manual labor job.
Stop and think about what he does do. You might be getting stone-walled about cleaning because he doesn’t think you’re pulling your share and now you want him to pick up on that, too.
Yes, I completely agree that there are men who do their part in helping home life run smoothly! I have one! I think the majority of the women on here are talking about the men who do absolutely nothing. They don’t help… period. Not only that, but when you try talking to them about it they will either act like they don’t care, turn up the TV loud enough so they can’t hear you or just plain tell you “I don’t care.” Either way, both me and my husband have found our own way of compromising to make things work. I make dinner and do dishes Monday to Thursday and he makes dinner and does dishes Friday, Saturday and Sunday. (Usually a yummy BBQ!) He helps with a lot of things nowadays and he’s becoming more of a neat freak than me. What also helped was buying a chalkboard! On it we write “This week” and “This month.” We also have a goal that we are working towards at the bottom like a vacation or a big screen TV. I’ll write one thing like “mow the lawn” in the “this week” section & do not talk to him about it. He knows it’s there and because it’s only one thing, he never feels overwhelmed… which is the main reason why guys don’t do things we ask. When they hear a giant list of crap they have to do, they don’t bother. When they do the one thing you asked, they want to feel like you appreciate it. So think twice the next time you rip your guy apart because he went to the grocery store and he got all the wrong things. He made a valiant effort and he did it for YOU. THANK HIM!! Anyways, it’s obvious that most guys want to help in some way or another. I think they just look at things one task at a time.
I’m a girl, and honestly, if I did the stuff in this article, I’m just asking to be bitter and alone. If a guy is sloppy, he is sloppy. He isn’t going to change for you because that’s the way he is. If you’re not OK with the socks on the floor, pick it up. If you don’t want to pick it up, then leave it there. He’ll get the hint and do it. Withhold sex and feed the dog his breakfast and he’ll go find someone else to have sex with and eat breakfast with. You need two hands to clap. Treat someone the way you would like to be treated. Punish a man like a child and you will be left alone for sure. If I was a guy, I would want to come home to a wife/gf who I can talk to and sleep with. Not someone who is going to nag me the whole day.
My hubby is very unclean and the dirty clothes could rot before they are cleaned. I made a chore list for the BOTH of us. 2-3 small tasks a day. (ex. him-dishes Monday. her-vacuum Monday) It’s working, slowly. I might have to remind him everyday, but at least it gets done.
I am a mother of two and one on the way. It kills me how my boyfriend does not clean up after himself also. All he does is work, and play the Xbox all day. He never has time to pick his clothes up, where ever he takes them off, they stay. If he pops tags off his clothes, he will put the tags anywhere from on the couch to the floor. Here is what I do whatever trash he leaves on the floor, I put it in his closet! So if he has dirty jeans laying around the house, I mix them with his clean clothes as to boxers, socks everything I put it all in his closet. If he throws his clothes on the floor, I throw them in his closet and they don’t get washed. I mean, in a sense I am still picking up after him, but he will get tired of picking trash out of his clothes. He has not fully got it, and I still get very frustrated! I just don’t understand how someone can be so dirty in their own house. I don’t even have to pick up after my two and five-year-olds. Yes, he goes to work and I am on maternity leave, but guess what – we split the bills still!! So for all you men who want to yell he’s at work, we still split the bills! I can’t stand it and I am getting to the point where it’s going to make us or break us; we are about to have another baby, I can only imagine how dirty this situation is going to get! Men stop being so damn dirty and lazy – this is a sign of immaturity and ignorance!
As much as I love my boyfriend, I find this is the most frustrating thing about our relationship. I admit that I am not the world’s neatest person and I don’t need everything sparkling, but I want to be able to have people over without being completely embarrassed. We have had a couple “discussions” regarding cleaning and he makes the stupidest excuses – basically blaming me for his lack of cleaning, i.e. “The house was never clean enough to begin with” – huh?! We moved in at the same time so how does this make ANY sense? Either way, I think deep down it’s viewed as woman’s work and that’s why it’s always somehow my fault that he hasn’t cleaned. I work more hours than he does and do a little housework every night and several hours every Saturday when he’s at work. No “thank you” or even acknowledging that I did it – WTF??? The cherry on top is that when he does help me, he always has little tips for me on how to better clean – which he knows totally pisses me off. Thanks for the tip Mr. Clean – here’s my tip: get off your butt and help me!! I feel that this is really a deal-breaker. I am fine with contributing slightly more to the household, but not to this extreme. I am becoming resentful, which is not a good sign.
Plus – I’m hotter!! (Haha – sorry – couldn’t resist!)
Thanks for the article – It’s good to know other people feel the same and I found it funny (and the angry men responses even funnier!!).
OMG! LOL I am so happy that I ran into this site. Just a moment ago, I thought I was going to slit both my wrists… and ankles!
The guys comments were hilarious (which is why we love ’em) AND some of the women are dead-on with expressing how us women really feel about slob men (Chelsey).
It’s good to know that there are other couples going through the same thing with their “mates.” I am an open-minded WOMAN… so I have read and taken all comments into thought. I don’t think this post was suppose to be for what it’s turned into, which is funny, but judging by the comments, maybe it should have been.
This link/post should be sent to MEN/women all over! Not saying that it would change anything, but maybe serve to both as an “eye opener” or possibly give men a better understanding of:
1. How we women feel.
2. Why us women are never in the mood for sex (and when we do, it’s “boring” or taken as though we aren’t that interested).
3. Why we aren’t cooking and feeding them TV dinners or McDonalds every night.
4. Why it always seems like we are “bitchy,” nagging, or harassing them about something.
5. Why their clothes, remote controls, and drawers are missing, or thrown into a closet or into a briefcase.
Simply put, filth and un-cleanliness to some MEN is really NOT that big of a deal. It’s just NOT IMPORTANT to them, they don’t care about getting roaches, or company seeing their dirty underwear lying around, and mold growing from plates. It doesn’t bother them; they don’t see cleaning as a responsibility such as work. They see it more as being a chore.
WE (men and women) are different, we don’t care about the same things. What rocks their boat does NOTHING for us (sex, video games, ESPN, etc.). To us, those things are a pure waste of time, childish, unproductive, we don’t care about that sh*t.
Us women obviously know sex and video games, etc. are important to men, but how many times/how often do we actively make an effort to pick up a controller or go all out; heels, long hair, poll, etc..? Not many and we’re not!
IT’S NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO US! JUST AS CLEANING AND PICKING UP BEHIND THEMSELVES IS NOT IMPORTANT TO A THEM!
Not until they clean up first, right? That’s what we all say, ‘if I had more time or energy to do those things, I would,’ but let’s be honest; No the hell we wouldn’t… lol. Maybe every once in a while, but on a daily basis? HELL NO, not even if our men were cleaning up behind themselves.
Because certain things are like “life and death” (drastically speaking) to US does not make “it” anymore important to the other person PERIOD. No matter what’s said or done!
MEN don’t have the slightest clue of the effect filth/clutter and disorganization in the home has on us as women…
Like us women don’t fully understand the effect lack of sex, or mental stimulation from video games, etc. have on men.
BUT FOR ALL YOU MEN, PLEASE READ:
Filth/clutter and disorganization in a HOME can be really “dangerous” to both you and her, LOL. ESPECIALLY IF YOUR WOMAN FEELS LIKE SHE IS DOING THE MAJORITY OF THE WORK TO KEEP THE PLACE CLEAN – and you aren’t helping but instead, creating more of a mess (being more of a burden)… let me explain:
Us women are emotional creatures (CAN’T HELP IT…THAT’S HOW WE WERE MADE) and we tend to respond by how we feel…
All those things mentioned above about filth, clutter, uncleanliness, etc., can and will eventually create irritability, frustration, depression, mixed emotions/feelings, anger, hostility, STRESS AND MORE…all within your woman (sometimes all at once). This normally leads to her/us “ACTING OUT.” Read all the other women’s comments and game tactics to find out what “acting out” is.
See, my husband and I have been together eight years, have two children – ages three and two, and I too have a trifling, lazy pig for a husband, who just never can seem to pick up after himself. I won’t begin to tell y’all about his nastiness; it’s like he thinks all he has to do is work, and like majority of the other women I WORK TOO FT. Anyway, I have tried all of the above and have only made things worse, created more stress and MIGRAINES.
SO, I’ve found that all the game playing, asking, telling and attempting to compromise is NOT the final solution, but only serves as a Band-Aid for a period of time. Eventually it wares off and you have to put a new one on. But in this case, you would have to come up with another solution, and I am sorry, but I do not want to spend my days brainstorming on how to keep the damn house cleaned EVERY SIX MONTHS AT THE LONGEST.
What I did was this: I normally pay out all of the bills, so I thought I knew where all of our was money going. I added up the money that we would spend on McDonalds, etc. – *unnecessary* things. It came up to almost $400.00 dollars a month ($14.28 a day, just from us buying lunch at work, etc.) – I couldn’t believe it!
I found a young teenager in the neighborhood, 13 years old (or if you have a relative, i.e. niece, etc). Spoke to her parents, told them I had my hands full and needed a little extra help around the house a couple days a week. Got their approval. I put her to work on Wednesdays and Friday evenings after I got home from work and she was home from school, and again on Sunday afternoons for about 2 to 2 1/2 hours each day. She was paid $60 a week (every Friday). She was paid to clean the main areas of the house – i.e. the living room, the kitchen, spot clean the bathrooms, fold clothes, and vacuum.
This took away a lot of the work, because of the days of the week I had her clean. It also relieved stress without putting us in any financial trouble.
Sad that it came to us paying someone to clean, but the truth of the matter is: I can not make him do anything and I got tired of trying. I was tired of the games working for about three weeks, then back to the same old tricks. Face it, if he isn’t clean, then he’s not clean.
It is what it is.
My fantastic partner is just like the others in the comments, except that he screams at me that the house is dirty and says that I am disgusting. How can he have the nerve to say this when he NEVER cleans up after himself??? He is like 80% responsible for this mess. Honestly, I have no issue with cleaning up after our children, but I DO, however, have an issue with cleaning up after him. The kids’ mess takes me five minutes… put back toys, do their laundry, etc. But, HE will make himself all kinds of snacks and goodies and then leave spills all over the kitchen counter. If he cleaned them up right after he had made them, then it would not take me a half hour to scrub the counter the next day. Learn to scrape your own plate and put it in the dishwasher. Do not yell at me that you have no clean clothes when I am spending all of my time cleaning up after you. As far as his, “I have been doing a good job cleaning up after myself,” my response is… DO BETTER! I should not know, at the end of the week, EVERYTHING he has done… from what he wore, to what he ate, to what kinds of activities he did, video games he played, to what shoes he wore – the list goes on and on! If he were truly picking up after himself, then I wouldn’t know that he ate popcorn while drinking beer and playing Madden when I got home because his stuff would be put away. His response is always that he was “too tired” to put it away… well, you were not “too tired” to take all the junk out. You are just LAZY. Honestly, our house keeps going from being trashed to OK, back to trashed… this can’t be a one “woman” job. I honestly have no issue with mopping the floors, cooking, etc… just pick up after yourself and help teach the kids to do the same, and we would all be much happier. I HONESTLY want to have more time to pamper him and give him special massages, but I am burnt out. I take pride in being a good partner and mother, and I want to feel like a good wife (this has been my main dream in life), but I can’t even get to those things because I am stuck in this groundhog day nightmare. Sometimes I think he is no better than a monkey… without the capability of training himself to wipe his feet and put his shoes by the door, or taking the stuff out of his pockets before he throws his clothes next to the hamper. I just LOVE going through his insulation-filled clothes to get all of the receipts and crap out before I throw his clothes in the laundry… and he wonders why he has no clean clothes. Maybe it has been the last five years of him leaving your socks right in front of the couch! What a complete jerk. I could train a dog better than I could train him. This is horrible.
@Vanessa: It sounds like you should speak to a marriage counselor. He *screams* at you?! You don’t say this, but it also sounds like he expects you to give him massages after having cleaned the entire house and been screamed at. You shouldn’t have to live with someone who treats you this badly.
@the others:
Also with a live-in boyfriend, dated for a 3 1/2 years, have lived with him for about two of those years. There are a lot of other chores he does, and I thank him when he does them, but two things:
1) He really hates seeing other people clean.
2) If he says he’ll do something, he doesn’t like someone taking care of it.
Now I wouldn’t mind 2), but he has a HUGE problem with dishes. He seems to hate doing dishes more-so than anything else in the apartment, to the point where they will attract flies. He waits so long I can hear him gag when he does the dishes. I wouldn’t mind doing them except that he says he’ll do them and there’s nothing less I like than being his surrogate mother. If I remind him, he says that he’s “tired, but will do them.”
The thing is, I can’t stand to live near a health hazard. It’s slowly driving me crazy because no matter what I do, I lose.
I’m starting to think that most men do not know how to live in commonly shared spaces.
I’m shocked at some of the things I have read, especially from the guys. I used to be with a guy who was a slob as well. I had tried everything to try and get him to help me out around the house, asking, nagging, threatening, etc. Never worked. What really makes me mad about it is that, at that time, I was working a little over 60 hours a week and his ass was unemployed. He expected me to do the housework, pay the bills, and make him dinner. I honestly blame his mother for babying him his whole life and never having to do a thing for himself. I believe if your man is not willing to help you out, then he needs to get out and you need to find yourself a real man. You can’t change someone who isn’t willing to change.
And ladies, don’t give up on finding a guy who isn’t a slob. I am now currently engaged to a wonderful guy who helps me out around the house. He does dishes, dusts, vacuums, laundry, and everything else. And he never complains when I ask for help. Now I will admit once in a while he may slack off and skip out on a chore or two from time to time. But hey, nobody’s perfect. But he’s pretty darn close. =D So come on guys, if you love your women, then step up to the plate and show her.
Either a man wrote that article or your husband doesn’t need much encouragement.
One of these days when I need a good pick-me-up, I will be reading this! I thought the original advice was hilarious and I can see some of it would work. I read some comments and though I do agree with some points the guys have made, I still don’t think they truly understand what it feels like to feel that your just a few holes, a whore and a slave. Now some of the guys who commented on here may be genuinely decent guys who don’t use and abuse their wives so please disregard my last comment. But I do think things need to be done and the humorous ways of doing them are funny for both parties. Not the vindictive ones I might add. I don’t believe it’s right to withhold sex. That is wrong biblically. The lighthearted jokes are great. The lying about where things are is wrong. Don’t create more issues. Solve problems. Good communication, humor, and compromise. That’s all you need. Good luck to the rest of you.
Three years I’ve been living with my boyfriend, and it’s taken me three years to understand how to get him moving.
Firstly. When he leaves his clothes, shoes, keys, papers, phone, sweet rappers, dirty dishes, beer cans, or gym stuff all around the house, I get a tall box and put it all in it. Everyday I do this and by the end of the week he wonders where things are, and I point to the box, the smell from beer and dirty plates would annoy him more as it’s his clothes that are mixed up in it.
I keep doing this until he learns, you can go further by leaving the box outside, let’s hope for his sake it doesn’t rain.
He will eventually see that he’s a messy sod, and will pick up. As for withholding sex, that’s just silly, dress up in your most sexy outfit, lie on the bed and say he can do what he wants to you, but only after he’s done the dishes, then at least you get a good time and a clean kitchen (and go wild in the bedroom to thank him for it).
This works for me, it’s not so cruel and we both end up having a good time.
This is so biased its ridiculous! I am the man in a relationship and I can’t get my girlfriend/fiance to clean up any of her own messes. She leaves stuff everywhere wherever she stops eating that’s where the leftover food plate, glass, and utensils get left indefinitely! Whenever she cooks, she leaves everything out and she can’t stir without splashing food all over the entire stove and just leaves it to dry and harden and any leftover food that she doesn’t eat or we don’t eat gets left on the stove until I come along and clean it up. She won’t even rinse the dishes that she does manage to get to the sink! It’s disgusting! She will leave plates by the bed and even all this stuff doesn’t stay long because I can’t live with the mess.
It makes me sick, but I have tried before seeing how long she would go before she cleaned up and the kitchen got so bad there wasn’t a clean dish left except for the ones I used. Food was molding on the stove and counter and there where several plates and other dishes all throughout the house wherever she had been. Finally, after me being on vacation for three days and staying away from the house as much as possible for another week after that, I finally had to come in and clean it all up. It was beginning to look like one of the houses on the TV show hoarders!
So this tells how to get your man to clean up, what about your WOMAN?!
To all upset men — of course this is a joke!!! By the very cynical way it’s written, you can tell – but help anyway!!
I love ROBERT’S post 🙂 You Sir, are correct, level-headed, and RIGHT.
As for the rest of this, I find the advice very funny and very satirical. However, after reading all the comments below the original article…I AM COMPLETELY DISGUSTED with the LADIES.
I am a lady. And I don’t understand how frustrations lead to the possibility of attempting to follow such advice. But let me give you the 411, as others did before. You are going to get nowhere by treating your man like shit. Please. What makes you ladies think that a man is going to want to even help you out, when you act like it is your divine right to get your way and boss him around. If a man says he “forgets” repeatedly…and it is hurting you and driving you nuts, why are you staying and putting up with it? Decide then that this is at the top of your list of needs, your need is clearly not being met, and then be strong and walk away to find what you need. OR ACCEPT that he may always be that way, and DEAL with it. The solution is not to sit there and ridicule your man. I’m disgusted by the language used against the men. If men were saying that about women, you’d all be crying and saying they’re “assholes.” Men may not always show their emotions, but they certainly have them and are sensitive. Men are not the problem, ideas like this are and especially when they are turned into actions in a relationship. Ladies, you must understand that men and women do not think alike, process emotions alike, and do not always have the capacity to listen. And I do not see at all, how being deceiving, hurtful, and pushing your way is going to get you the results you want. You need to be respectful, and you will be much likelier to get your way.
To Chelsea who wrote this:
“These aren’t “games.” They are our attempts to get through to the male psyche about what is important to us, because, in theory, if we are important to you then what is important to us is important to you as well. But more often than not, we feel ignored, so we try to come up with creative ways to get our point across, because if you’re not neanderthal morons, that means you’re willfully selfish. When we sit down and rationally explain our needs and wants to you, and you tell us too bad, you don’t want to help so you aren’t going to, that just shows that you’re an immature jerk. If you did what was necessary so our home wasn’t an embarrassment to have company into, then we wouldn’t feel we need to resort to “games.” If you paid attention and cared enough about us to help, we wouldn’t feel the need to deprive you of sex. If you took pride in your home, then maybe we could take pride in you. Ultimately, you’re looking for a justification for being an ass, and as long as you convince yourself you’ve found it, you’ll always be a loser.”
Your post is so disgusting. You are playing GAMES if you follow the above advice! If you really understood the male psyche, which is what you’re trying to “get through to” you would understand that men do not always respond to words, especially when they have such a female like this, nagging at them. If you cannot handle it, get your needs met and leave and respect yourself…because clearly you’re feeling disrespected. Your whole entire post is putting the blame on men and expecting them to fix your problem of feeling like shit because you’re not being listened to. It is your responsibility, if you deem this a problem. But your name-calling and self-centered perspective is making you look like the selfish one. You’re pointing fingers and only losers do that, not the men who clearly have a problem with it. I would hope that if you withheld sex and affection, you’d realize you’re the asshole because that IS game playing. You sound very immature, controlling, and you clearly know nothing about men. And I would hope that you would get cheated on if you treated any man as terrible as that. Because no one, no human deserves that. I can understand why no one would want to clean your house, with an attitude like yours. Grow up or you will be alone in your life. And have some respect for the opposite sex.
My husband is the worst slob ever. He can live in a hoarders house with the rats – it wouldn’t bother him a bit. Understanding that filth doesn’t bother him was helpful in knowing what would work, which is NOTHING. So I just started throwing everything away. Anything that was on the floor, socks, jeans, Bassmaster, and fishing gear, And OH DID I HIT THE NERVE! Not the fishing gear!!! Just be prepared for some backlash and make sure all of your important stuff is put away in case of retaliation. I even threw dishes away! It’s tough when there is nothing to eat off of! Honestly, I am not his maid; he is an adult and I pointed out to him what a shame it was that I had to show him my frustration and treat him like a child, and the fact that it worked.
I too have read all the comments and I too have a “lazy” man. However, we both have our faults. The key to keeping ANY relationship solid is communication. My man works 40+ hours per week and I work part time, with a disability. When things get so out of control and I feel I just can’t stand it anymore, I usually get mad and vent…to him. If I’m right, he keeps his mouth shut and the next day I see a change; if I am wrong, he will argue with me so we look at both sides of an issue. By no means do I think I’m all that and then some more, but I do expect help in OUR HOME. I don’t want to be embarrassed when company comes and I do feel that the state the house is in is a direct reflection on ME, not US. It’s important to see the good in your man and remind him how much you love him for those things and then be honest about the rest. It will work out.
Jake did comment that we (men and women) have our predestined responsibilities about the house. The man’s being everything outdoors and the woman’s being everything indoors. Really?? When were you born?? It’s great that you enjoy cooking! Maybe she enjoys gardening. That blows your theory out the window. What’s wrong with doing things together?? As in sex, it’s more fun!!
The best way to get a slob to pickup/cleanup after themselves? DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you marry or move in with someone completely at odds with whatever hang up you have, then you deserve whatever hell you created for yourself. This is important life advice: YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE. They are what they are and always will be. Love them for what they are and not for what you want them to be. If you do not know someone is a slob before you marry or move in with them, you are brain-dead. Me? A semi-slob happily married for 42 years and looking forward to another 42 with another semi-slob.
Haha, semi-slob is better than a superslob. They usually try to impress to begin with, but it goes downhill after you get married. And yes, you can’t change people; you either love them the way they are or just leave. There’s only those two options really.
Cute satire! That being said, I will make the comment that we women need to stop using the word “help” when we want other members of the house (especially our husbands) to do their share of the housework and pick up after themselves. When you ask for “help,” it implies that it is your responsibility, so in his mind, any little thing he does is above and beyond. Instead of saying, “Help me with the cleaning, laundry, etc.,” say, “Do your part” or “Contribute” or whatever other term makes it known that it is not just your responsibility.
There is no one solution here – other than GOOD SOLID communication. It’s a give-and-take experiment and it’s ever changing. Each partner should know what the role is in helping around the house, and it’s never 50/50. Women DO have less time now, and men DO have to participate more to bring something to the relationship, as the MAN is no longer the primary income earner.
Make a list of what needs to be done, put your name or your partner’s name beside it. There should be an act of responsibility toward the relationship, and its both of your JOBS to add to its nucleus. Roles have changed and men are still living in an OLD partnership of the past. Women do have to take the bull by the horns and establish a new communication agreement that works for both parties. LIST jobs and who will do it. It’s an honor agreement. Leave the LIST on a TABLE visible for all; when a job gets done, it’s visible to all involved. Men do have a huge role in helping, as do women. Don’t make this a child’s game of hate crimes. It will push both parties further apart, and your goal was to have more time for togetherness, not to clean and argue.
I found this post hilarious! Of course, these steps aren’t going to work, but that wasn’t the point of the post! It’s good to know that there are plenty of wives (and husbands) that have to deal with a sloppy spouse, and I for one will pass this post on to friends who I know will look at it lightly and find it funny! I will definitely be trying the box idea, as suggested by Rachael – a quick, easy and tidy solution to man-mess, and I have no doubt my husband will see the funny side of it too! I just won’t hold my breath and wait for the penny to drop…! Thanks for a good laugh!
Funny article! I’ve had a lot of fun reading the responses too. I, also, have trouble with my husband cleaning up his basic messes (washes his dirty hands and leaves the dirt all over the sink and mirror and cabinets, leaves shoes out where I trip over them, clothes on the floor). He is gradually getting better, by the way, after 12 years of marriage. I try not to nag, but I do explain.
Here’s my REAL solution. Don’t spend so much time picking up after your KIDS, either – especially your sons. I had a lady ask me how I got my kids to get themSELVES up in the mornings and fix their own lunches for school. I expect it of them. She was still getting her boys up for school when they were in high school. They couldn’t use an alarm clock. Make them put away their own clothes, dishes, toys and backpacks. Have them help with the sweeping, dusting, mopping, and especially, have the boys learn how to clean in and all the way around the toilet. Boys miss. It’s a fact of life. Sometimes things just don’t go the direction they expect. So they need to know how to wipe up. Who teaches them? MOM. (Or who DOESN’T teach them…)
This will help them grow into husbands who not only know how to clean up after themselves, but are in the habit already of doing so and appreciating the clean, organized results. And the kids? You CAN barter with THEM. Can’t eat until the dishes are done from last time. Can’t watch TV or play until the clothes are put away and the room is straightened. Can’t use the phone until the bathroom is wiped down. Can’t go out until the project mess is put away. Works like a charm.
Ladies, you know what works? No more nagging. No more requests. You’ve already made them. He heard you the first and hundredth times. Just stop.
Go ahead and take out the time and clean up the house the way you want it. Pick up his dirty underwear and his clothes, and the three pairs of shoes he left beside the couch for four days, and then his favorite coffee mug that he left on the coffee table and toss all of it on the balcony, or the back porch. Did he leave his toothbrush out of the holder and on the sink instead? Toss it on the balcony. Clothes in front of the hamper? Toss them on the balcony too. Anything he’s left out of place (especially that remote), carry around a bucket and toss them outside. When he gets home, he’ll *itch and moan, no doubt. But he’ll get the message after he has to keep going outside to look for his favorite sweater and important work papers he left sprawled on the floor (at least you didn’t throw it out). And if you have to wash the dishes, take his credit card and go out and buy yourself your favorite meal from your favorite restaurant to go (this works really well on cheap hubbies). After all, you can’t cook when the pots are all dirty (that is, if he is supposed to be the dishwasher). Let him make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
And don’t be angry about it. You’re not playing a game. You’re just doing what’s convenient for you. After all, isn’t that what he’s been doing all this time? Sometimes you have to act like a cold, uncaring, firm d*ck for a man to realize how much he appreciates your femininity and sweetness when he treats you right and you are happy. And when he decides to get up early one morning and pick his junk up, reward him like hell in the bed that night. Both stick and carrot are important.
I googled “how to get your spouse to clean up after themselves,” and it brought me here. I can look at it from a few different perspectives, and it is a tough situation. I grew up with a single father of three girls and dated a man for five years who grew up with a single mom with two kids. We both knew how to take care of ourselves, and what it takes to be a responsible human being because we modeled our parents, had respect for each other and it was an expectation.
I love my boyfriend, and I am at the point of leaving because of his lack of responsibility in taking care of himself and our living space. I feel disrespected, hurt and frustrated because I have tried at least 10 different ways of approaching the subject, including him paying my best friend to clean with me every-other week. I love to cook and would like to express my love for him by doing things to make his life easy and better, but cannot do everything. I work two jobs, like to exercise and read for my personal benefit. I do not want to change him, or have us resent each other. Does any one else agree that this is a matter of personal preference, our raising, and respect – or am I about to end an otherwise wonderful relationship for something that might change?
I wonder, as someone did earlier, if there are truly any men who are naturally tidy. I think it is ingrained into them by MOM that someone else will do the bulk of picking up after them when you move in together and they are just born that way? I lived with my ex-bf part time. His philosophy was, “real women don’t do housework,” but in actuality, I did the bulk of all the work while also doing the bulk of the work cleaning at my father’s home where my very slovenly brother did NOTHING but create more mess, while ex-bf was very messy and did very little, even though he always said he would when I asked him to clean before I came over, so that I wouldn’t have to clean after driving and often working.
It was a strange combo of him criticizing how I put dishes into the dishwasher or even that I washed dishes, while he let dishes pile up in the sink for days and other similar behaviors. In addition, he was constantly doing laundry to have clean clothes when we were going out somewhere, and making us late for everything because the dryer took forever to dry his clothes, but at the same time, he was leaving huge piles of clothes all over the floor and the laundry room. At one point, I spent two days cleaning up the laundry room and within three months, there were clothes all over the floor again!
I should have run the first time he took two hours to get ready to go out somewhere. At that time, his mom was living with us also, as he was caring for her and they had a maid come in to clean, but I would still clean things, as the maid did an inadequate or not a thorough job. When his mom moved, he fired the maid because she was waking him up in the morning! I told him: I’m not cleaning up after you, but I ended up doing just that because I didn’t want to live in pigsty.
I’m not a clean freak, but I do like a fair amount of order and cleanliness. He told me that in one home where he lived by himself, he had been very neat, but otherwise he had always been a slob, so he WAS capable of keeping things clean. He did clean things sometimes when I asked, but it was a rare event, so I have to say it was just not caring about my feelings mostly maybe.
Which was strange, because he did put me first in many ways. We ate out a lot and I did a lot of cooking also, he often made breakfast for me and sometimes other meals when I asked him to. We ended up breaking up for other reasons. I think I thought that if we lived together in our own home that it would be a fresh start and if order was established, we would both keep it that way, but who knows. He recently told me that he left the refrigerator filter in so long it was stuck in and water had built up everywhere, or something to that effect. He is now moving and going to buy a new home and I wonder it that will be the home he will keep clean? This will be his first home of his own and it should have been OUR home.
I’m at an age where I just do NOT want to spend any more time cleaning up after people! I think all men are like this, so I think I’m going to be alone forever, which is not what I want.
I think this argument is as old as time, when men and women decided to live together. My husband is on the sloppy side; he never picks up or helps out only once in a while with all the work around here laundry, dishes, etc. Yes, he works hard at his job, but he gets to leave it behind and come home. Why should he get to come into my work space and make a mess for me? Especially when I have four small kids that do that already all day long? It makes me more tired and upset. I think if more men took the time simply to clean up after themselves, marriages all over would be better. I know mine would be. However, I agree with the previous posts on communication. I have told him how I feel, things are great for awhile, then he lets things slide again. It’s a habit not to pick up after yourself, plain and simple. Until he decides to change his behavior, I can choose to love him anyway and gently steer him back to try to change. I think it’s just habit and we all have bad habits. Good for the men on here who have changed their bad habit of mess-making, and their happy wives too for giving them love to change for.
Yes, I agree with some of these comments that a lack of respect for their husband, wife or partner is very wrong. However, I think that not helping in the home with chores, etc., is pure laziness in some cases. And it isn’t just men who don’t pick up after themselves either. I have known quite a few women who live in dirty homes and some don’t work at all. I had a friend who lived in a house that was split into 4 flats; she was single and not working at all and she invited me ’round for a cup of tea one day. I had met her at an evening class for adult education. The flat she had contained a bedroom, a kitchen, dining room, front room, bathroom and toilet; I only visited once as the whole place was so dirty and the toilet looked like it had never been cleaned ever and she had lived there over four years. When I met her after that, I normally saw her in a local cafe, as I could not face going to her home again. She was a good friend, which was sad really. She moved away, but we are still in touch by phone. I often wonder what her home is like now.
I have just moved in with my boyfriend officially after letting him stay at my old place, where he did nothing for himself – as he was my guest! I explained and warned him numerous times that things will be equal from the day we move in. Except, it is now worse and no matter what I do, nothing will get him up off his arse. I feel like his mother. I have threatened to leave him, which brought on tears for the first hour or so, and then it was back to normal of me tidying my mess and his.
From these comments, ladies, it appears that all men are the same and unless we turn lesbian, we are just going to have to put up with it until somebody finds us a solution that prevents us having stress headaches every day. I do hope this is not our lives forever; we deserve much more than this girls!!
Ok, so I have read your stories and sounds like mine is going to top them all. My boyfriend and I have been together for 23 years. After three years of dating, we decided to buy a house and move in together. At the time, I was 24 and he was 28. Because I hadn’t been at my job very long, and didn’t make much money, the mortgage was put in his name only. It was a small 1,000 sq. ft. house at that time, in a nice neighborhood. Things started out great; I paid for groceries, utilities, etc. and he paid the mortgage. He was clean and picked up after himself and really appreciated the home we established together. As the years passed, the neighborhood started to deteriorate. I worked full time, as did he, and I started to attend college at night and on the weekends. In 2001, I finally got my bachelor’s degree, and actually started to make a decent buck (still now don’t make as much as he does; he is an auto body mechanic). At this point, I started asking him if we could move; I looked at this as our starter home, and now that I was earning more money, I thought it would be a good time for us to move into a home we could own together and also give us a bit more living space. He said no; a couple times I was able to get him to go out and look at homes, but he would always say no. The house was at the beginning stages of falling apart, and he started getting lazier and lazier, and would not pick up after himself. I got frustrated, so frustrated in fact, that in 2004, I went and bought a townhouse and moved out! My hope was that he would start seeing his ways without me there, and start taking better care of himself and his home.
Well, it’s now 2011, and unfortunately it has just gotten worse. I love this man to pieces; I just cannot handle the way he lives. Bricks on the front of the house are falling off, the back sliding glass door has so many moisture/water damage marks between the panes that you can’t even see through it. Trees/shrubs are overgrown (haven’t been pruned in years). I used to love to garden and plant flowers, but he would never mow the lawn and to this day (20 years later), he has yet to actually use a weed eater. The deck is weathered and is falling apart, with prickly weeds growing up between the boards. Paint is peeling off the house, AND THEN THERE IS THE INSIDE… He refuses to wash his own dishes (he would never allow me to put a dishwasher in his house when I lived there). Dishes will sit in the sink for weeks and weeks with stale, moldy, stagnant water sitting in them. He drinks a lot of bottled water and pop in cans, and never throws away the empty containers – they just pile up on the floor. The kitchen table is covered with papers, clothes, everything……. we can’t even sit at the table for a meal. He doesn’t dust and hardly vacuums. There is at least a 1/4-inch of dust on all of the furniture. The bathroom hasn’t been cleaned/wiped down since I left, and there is thick cob webs everywhere from spiders. The oven doesn’t work well; if we cook something, he has to lite it manually. The refrigerator does not work properly either – anything you put on the top shelf freezes, and water from the freezer leaks into the fridge. Empty bags from purchases are on the floor. The basement is full of all the stuff that won’t fit in the garage. You can’t even see the floor of the garage because there is so much garbage and junk all over. It’s almost like what you see on one of those hoarder shows.
We are still together as a couple, and see each other every day – we just live in two separate houses. I go over to his house all the time because he is allergic to my cat, so he won’t spend time at my house. So basically, I am paying a hefty some of money every month to sleep somewhere else. I am embarrassed and embarrassed for him, but he doesn’t seem to care. I just cringe when friends stop by; I just hate for them to see his house. Of course, my house is very clean and tidy, and no one has ever seen it; no one ever comes over to see me. Oh well, I will probably die old and alone in a clean house.
So what is the solution? I’m 26 and don’t want to become a woman who plays games, but I live with a man who swears at me for the way I keep the house and yet leaves guitars strewn about after he gets home from his gigs. He said on the census form we just filled out that he does 14 hours of cleaning a week, which is just not true. He yells at me for ‘blocking paths,’ but that is because usually I’m trying to out something where he will be walking so he deals with it. Then he says Wednesday he will vacuum, vacuums the following Monday, and leaves the vacuum in the middle of the hall – how is that not blocking a path?
So men, what do we do? I don’t want to play games, and I want standards to be fair. I just don’t want to get called a bitch anymore for bringing anything at all up.
Please, how do I be a modern woman and yet get what I think is fair happening? I am such a good and sweet and giving person; I make him organic steak with peppercorn sauce and steamed and roasted veggies, cream-filled chocolate laming tons – I seriously am a good person. I just don’t want to be sworn at and called names. How do I foster solid communication?
What? Why is it being suggested that we treat our men like they’re dogs? What happened to talking and conversing on the same level? Don’t treat him like a child; don’t punish him like a child. I’m not going to bribe my man to get him to clean. I don’t get rewarded for cleaning, why should he? We both own our home, we both work, and we’re both capable of taking care of our place. Any man worth being with will listen and try to change his ways if you just express how much it bothers you.
DO NOT forget that some WOMEN are pigs too! WHAT should I do (as a clean man) – withhold sex from HER??? LMAO! I know the article was satire, BUT… too many women follow it in real life.
AVEM (Audio-Visual Escape Mechanism) = Alcohol and hookers.
High Times printed an article a while ago about how men can get more fellatio from their partners. Turns out it was as easy as taking out the garbage without being asked and without expecting praise for doing so. Something to think about. If you act like a child instead of an equal partner in a domestic situation, and you’re not getting sex, perhaps your partner isn’t into having sex with children.
Rick,
While I agree that these tips are not effective for creating or supporting an honest relationship based on equality, the following is bull:
“While HE is out working ALL DAY at a job he likely hates why should he have to come HOME to this ABUSE?”
I don’t know how things work in your house; maybe y’all are lucky enough that only one of you has to work outside the home. In my house, we both work full-time. And if I work the same amount of hours outside the home, I expect to work the same amount of hours inside the home.
My husband-to-be is a grown man. I shouldn’t have to patronize, punish and plead with a 30-year-old man to take basic care of his home and hygiene. That’s not good for either of us. But let’s not be drama queens here. The tips above, while foolish and shallow, are not abuse. Being asked or expected to pull your own weight around the house is not abuse.
And speaking as a woman, who has been on the end of actual abuse from men, that kind of talk coming from you would be like me complaining about the effects of racism to a black person. So shut it.
OMG, such animosity flying around. I am a slob; my son is a slob. My wife is as neat as a pin, takes hour-long showers and uses about a gallon of Purell a week. The only thing I agree with is to reward him with sex….I think that would be a good thing with me. I am a very intelligent guy, a scientist with an IQ that’s up there…I’m not bragging, but saying that I did nothing, absolutely nothing to earn this ability and gift. To the same token, I did nothing to inherit my sloppiness; it wasn’t my mommy pampering me or anything else, I have always been sloppy. I did the military thing and was an officer. Guess what, the neatness didn’t stick. I’m sorry to all you ladies out there because I’m such a screw-up, because reading your harsh comments, that’s exactly how you make guys like me feel and I just don’t get it. I mean, ladies, do you really want to compromise your relationship over a pair of socks on the floor? My wife is neat; she didn’t earn it or go to neat school, she’s just neat. With all the difficulties in relationships these days, why in the world is this one being discussed with such sticktoitiveness? Maybe the next time you see a pair of socks on the floor ladies, it will be a reminder that you love the guy who puts them on every morning and that he didn’t toss ’em on the floor to disrespect you – he just tossed ’em on the floor. Someday, they will make it into the hamper. Someday, you won’t have the feet that go into those socks anymore. Life is so short.
I agree with most of the men on this site. There are a lot of smart women out there that are right as well. For one, sex is not a necessity for most men, we can take matters into our own hands, we did it for years before we met and can still today. And who is to say that what you do is that great? 🙂 Food: Yes, I can cook, and I am good at it. Most men can run a grill and can cook other things as well, so strategy #2 is busted as well. As for strategy #3, Hmmm, really – TV? There are just as many women out there into watching TV as men; soap operas, home and garden, etc. – most of these aren’t men’s shows. My wife and myself don’t always feel the other is doing their share, but we both at least make an attempt and that is the main thing. For the person cleaning up and putting everything in His closet, if you were my wife, you would find yourself digging the snow out of your car in the winter. Marriage is a two-way street: communication and compromise. If you really can do everything with out him and are really that miserable, will it make a difference? I would say you have other issues and should just go find that “perfect guy” and move on down the road. Both of you will be happier in the long run. Some time I hope people start to realize that Marriage is Work. It is not easy! Look at the divorce rates. Why? Because people fight over stupid crap like this rather than worrying about stuff that matters. Get Over It and Move On.
Isn’t it funny how men stick up for men most of the time! I am willing to bet that most of you men provide a stable/above average income to the household? Well, I am willing to bet that most women who complain about the laziness of their husbands are wives of men who provide equal or less income to the household and provide most of the hotel service in the house, most of the parenting duties and have to give constant reminders to their unmotivated, lazy husbands to do even basic chores for themselves! I have not had sex with my husband for many years! Yes, withholding! Has he left…. NO! Because he is too lazy to even do that!
Better still, don’t get married or co-habitate if you don’t want to spend the rest of your live skivvying after your partner. 😉
I have not seen one comment yet that is perfectly accurate. I believe the following opinion of mine is the best, of course. Men are all of those bad things these women say they are because one or both of their parents raised a monster, and I do feel that most of these women would be justified in leaving these pigs. Here is the kicker. Women are just as much jerks, because they fail to do their part in fighting wars. For example, if they really wanted equality, they would be protesting that only men have to sign up for Selective Service and that only men died in all of America’s past wars. Women don’t care about equality until they want somebody to help them with the traditional woman chores. Can anybody imagine men like me filling these comment spaces with long angry comments about how women don’t do most of the dangerous jobs in the world, like construction, welding, etc. Women don’t fight the wars like us men do. Does anybody really think for one moment that most all human beings would not laugh at all that complaining about women coming from men? Most all human beings would totally ignore a man not doing his traditional roles in life. But when women complain about having to do their traditional roles in life, all of a sudden it is suppose to be justified complaining. So my conclusion is that these men are truly jerks. But so are women, because they would not listen for one second about men complaining about the aforementioned. Lastly, women cannot state bearing children is a disadvantage, because tens of millions of women in the world choose not even to go there. And the women who bear children, love creating a family. If they didn’t, then why are they insisting on showing off their kids photos on Facebook all the time?
I’m more inclined to wash up when she plays video games or acts a bit like a close friend. I like it; makes me wanna try things like cleaning…But together, as a team. Teamwork! WOOP! 😀
He is a guitarist, not really into television, but I can make it work. The other day, I got out of bed, slipped over on his jeans that landed where he undressed and fell on top of his guitar. I now have huge, painful scratches and bruises up my side.
Started to clean up today after he left to play a gig and I found one of the albums I bought him as a gift bent and broke in his cupboard (that was left wide open with all his stuff spewing out) and it really upset me that he doesn’t seem to care. I don’t know how to make him more respectful and tidy, but I will give these few tips a try. Hopefully I can get through to him without him getting into a strop.
Why in the world would I give the bacon to someone else? Screw that, I’ll eat it. Where did this idea come from that meat is only for men? I see stupid vegetarians putting it out there now–which gender is more represented among vegetarians? Thank you. To hell with that. I’ll eat the bacon. He can cook his own.
And NO, guys being slobs is NOT a minor thing. Because it’s never just one thing that’s out of place. It’s lots of things, all over the house, and in some of the dumbest positions and for the dumbest reasons. Five steps away from an open trash can and you leave a wrapper on the countertop. WHY? What is the point of that? You left poop splattered all over the inside of the toilet and God knows you never clean the bathroom, but the brush is right next to the toilet. A reasonable person would say “Gee, I just made a big-ass mess, maybe I should clean it up,” and would scrub away the mess, because even if you don’t care that your girlfriend or your wife has to deal with it, surely you would be embarrassed if company came over and saw what a pig you were. You know what it means when you ignore this stuff? It means you think you’re a freaking prince who deserves to take up more space in the world than anybody else, and that you deserve to be waited on hand and foot. You don’t have the bloodline to think you’re such a prince. This is why we can’t get equal-pay laws passed. Because it’s mostly men deciding whether those laws get passed and if we could suddenly get paid the same as you, we could live without you, and you’d be stuck rotting in your own filth.
I’m sorry. The crazy thing is, I love men. But I do not understand this. I have actually witnessed men having the gall to say that their girlfriend or wife wasn’t being a partner. It’s not like a whole lot of YOU get how to be a partner, either.
And what’s even more infuriating, you know what people say when they come over and the place is a pigsty? They will never criticize you. They will think badly of *her*. Yes, even now in the 21st century. She knows this. All women know it. It makes the situation that much worse.
We have better things to do than pick up your socks for you. We have our own jobs, hobbies, occupations, kids to raise, gardens to grow, etc. We don’t have time to be at your beck and call when it’s too much trouble to get the wad of paper into the trash can. Get it yourself.
I do not get why this is so tough to figure out.
This is too funny. Right after my husband and I were married, we were going through this. One day, my parents were on their way over and our apartment was a mess thanks to hubby. I drew a line down the middle of the apartment and threw all of his stuff on his side and said, “Fine, you want people to see that you live like a pig, go ahead! Leave it that way!” He ran around and cleaned it all up about five minutes before company got there!
Cleaning I can handle. But my BF refuses to throw anything away. He keeps an old broken trash can that doesn’t work, sponges that are covered with grime and mold, even old and rotting cutting boards covered with bacteria. I am seriously grossed out. HE REFUSES TO THROW THE JUNK AWAY AND GET NEW THINGS. So, I decided to be proactive. I started buying replacements. He is so ridiculous and stubborn that he keeps his old things alongside the new ones I have purchased and tells me that I better not throw his stuff away. He is 50 years old and acts like a 10-year-old! I’m ready to move out. And it’s only been three weeks. Is this what all men are like?
Here’s my take on all of the people whining about how their (primarily) boyfriends/husbands and girlfriends/wives who are horrible slobs and blah blah blah. Did you not know them before you moved in with them and/or married them? If you did and they were slobs then or had an uncaring personality prior to this, then you married a jackass loser and that’s on you and if it bothers you so much, staying with them is too. I don’t hang around with monkeys throwing crap all over the place, then yell at the monkey when I get hit with it and don’t even try that “oh he/she wasn’t that way when we were dating” nonsense. In some cases, that might be true, but in the vast majority of cases, common sense says otherwise.
Let’s also stop with the long suffering speeches; “I work 40 hours a week and then come home and do all the cleaning and cooking and he/she doesn’t do anything.” How many times do you reckon that for every one of these people bellyaching about how they do “all” of the cleaning regarding their significant other leaving clothes on the floor or dishes in the sink, their spouse couldn’t say the same thing about them regarding taking out the trash or shoveling the driveway? That said, there are some people who find themselves in some kind of freak show hoarder/filth sort of situation and to them I can sympathize, presuming they really weren’t that way before living together and there really weren’t any indications, but I can’t honestly believe that this is reality in anything other than the slimmest of cases.
As for the idiocy I see some of these (admittedly) old posts advocating things like throwing their toothbrush outside because they didn’t put it in the holder…really? I’m going to say without doubt I would much rather live with someone who left their clothes on the floor or didn’t do the dishes as often as I’d like, or never took out the trash or rarely did the laundry than with a nagging harpy or a passive-aggressive jerk.
Incidentally, from a male angle, I can say that being passive-aggressive is the worst thing you can do; most men would rather be screeched at and have stuff thrown at them than put up with that. I don’t know about women, but there it is. I do wonder though, regarding the people saying “men just don’t care” regarding clutter and the like; maybe that would explain why there are fewer men bitching about “slovenly” women than vice versa? Just a thought.
I don’t have any kids, so I won’t speak on that; I have however been in the position of spending more time at our apartment than my girlfriend and thus, doing more of the “work” for awhile…again stop the “Oh the HUMANITY” woe-as-me complaining. Now, I’m not talking about someone leaving food-encrusted, vermin-attracting stuff around the house or wiping their butt on their hands or whatever, but let’s be realistic: most of us don’t dust every day, we don’t vacuum every day, we sure as hell don’t do the windows every day; as for the laundry, oh hell’s bells it took me maybe a half-hour to an hour every other day, depending on how often I did it, during which time, I could wash the veritable mountain of dishes that had accumulated since yesterday. On the very worst days, I might have two hours worth of work to do (not forgetting, of course, that half the dishes were mine, I was eating half the food and wearing half the laundry by the way) a couple of days a week for those who don’t have kids; I sincerely doubt you’re in a much different situation.
As for the aforementioned stuff about leaving his shoes next to the sofa or leaving her toothbrush out of the holder; again, we’re not talking about them blowing their nose on the sheets or wearing the same clothes until they have to be cut off. These aren’t issues even worthy of being listed as “slovenly,” these are pet peeves and if your significant other has to listen to you gripe and complain, or worse yet, put up with some passive-aggressive nonsense for who knows how long, then I’m willing to say that they are the ones who are getting the worst of it – not you.
Now, I’ll admit that I’m not the world’s cleanest guy; I readily admit to clutter, e.g.: a stack of notebooks with some mail thrown in and a few books for the hell of it taking up a corner of my desk and whatnot, and personally, I loathe bothering with dishes that someone couldn’t at least rinse off when they put it in the sink, but thankfully, I don’t have to deal with that. What I do have to deal with is my girlfriend hanging stockings and bras all over the bathroom, leaving her underwear and whatnot on the floor next to the hamper and a small multitude of similar little quirks.
In the end however, she’s also out of my league looks-wise, is very intelligent, has a cute little hiccup-thing she does when she laughs that makes me smile, plays video games with the best of the guys and is loads of fun to fool around with.
If I was to ignore all that and grouse because I have to pick her clothes up off the floor, do all the car maintenance, take out the trash or can’t reach out of the shower without knocking a half a dozen bras on the floor when I’m trying to get a towel off the rack, have little space on the bathroom counter or do the laundry a little more than I like, then I would be a whiner and wouldn’t deserve such a generally all around great woman in the first place…a few extra hours of negative crap a week for a whole hell of a lot of positive is well worth it to me and if it isn’t to you or the ratio is skewed for you, then again, remaining in that relationship is on you, so deal with it or get out of it, but don’t be a nag or treat them like children or be passive-aggressive and try and use the justification that “if they’d just do what I want, then I wouldn’t be doing this,” because that is a lousy justification for your own behavior that is every bit as bad as theirs.
Also Dana, are you implying that if we get some more women-centric, reverse-sexism laws passed that people like you will stop whining about how hard you have it, because all of us men would gladly take one for the team if that was the case. I for one don’t know how I’d live with myself if all of the women decided they could live without men; why, I wouldn’t be able to feed myself, clothe myself and would be plague-ridden by the end of a month…sexist much? Mouthing off about “princes” is also pretty funny because, lord knows, there aren’t any princesses to be found stomping around the western world, right?
I dunno… my standard response is recycle a pair. If it’s not in the basket, I don’t wash it and if you want me to throw the bag of garbage at you, well, then don’t listen when I ask. I do way too many jobs to be ignored when I ask you to take the trash out. I live with four boys (one grown, I think) and they really are SLOBS. They are okay with clutter, never vacuuming; as long as the shopping is done and there is food, they are good.
I hope my future daughters-in-law (if I am lucky) forgive me for their messy ways and realize I have been saying pick up your underwear so much that I developed the “Not in the basket, no washing available.” 🙂
That being said… they make me laugh and they are my biggest fans. 🙂
Men and women are just as bad as each other. And, for the record, ladies…
1. These tips were probably meant as a joke.
2. Withhold sex and food, and you’re just stabbing yourself in the back; he’ll probably go elsewhere.
3. Go easy on the nagging and he’ll be more likely to help out.
And, for the record, if you can’t see the qualities that made you want to be with him through his bad habits, why are you still together? You have bad habits too, and poor qualities – all humans do – and he looks past them. Why can’t you do the same?
My hubby can be really messy… I can too… That’s life!
Grow up and deal with it already!
And, most importantly… COMMUNICATE!
Why is this all about men? I have this problem with my wife and now my sister-in-law who is staying with us. I need some help for the reverse problem.
Wow, I wish my wife were that nice. I come home to a smile turned upside-down everyday. I get yelled at for not making enough money (I make 94k a year in Texas). I get yelled at for not doing anything right, not caring about her, etc. If I were to ask, “what do you want me to do to show I care,” then I get yelled at some more because I should, “just know how to care.” Wow; a woman that cooks meals? That sounds like my childhood. My wife never makes me any food, or washes my clothes, or “lets” me drive my own car to work. I have to do it all myself. The only reason I’m around is to be able to spend more time with the kids. LIFE SUCKS. I have to walk or ride a bike 10 miles round-trip everyday rain/shine to go to work. Often, I just sleep outside or at work because the “wife” won’t stop yelling at me for some reason. Calling me non-stop at work, which makes it very hard to focus on working. We move all across the country to make her happy. NOTHING MAKES HER HAPPY. She talks about having sex with other guys, at least once a week. We don’t have sex, she doesn’t make me any meals, she wont let me use anything in the house that requires electricity or uses money in any way. If I do, then she freaks out like someone died. I wish I had a woman that cooked me a meal. I’d be very appreciative.
My husband is an extremely hard worker at his work place as it is paid work and he feels a need to be better than his coworkers. At home, he does next to nothing. He has downtime, which consists of having a few drinks and playing poker on his iPhone, while our six-year-old son begs to have some attention. His sloppy habits became obvious exactly one week after marrying him. I have not slept with him for a few years because I deeply resent him for giving me the impression pre-marriage that he was a team player and it was obviously just to win “the prize.” I am not withholding because I am playing a game, I just don’t have sex with men I do not respect and who don’t respect me. Morally, I would be better off making some money by selling sex on the street. I despise laziness, as it reflects on the person in all ways. No pride in themselves, or their surroundings. Sorry, guys and girls who disagree, but I would walk out on him right this minute if we did not have a wonderful little person who would be affected. I feel sad and disappointed.
Um, I’m sorry, but this article is right on for some of us. I was seriously cracking up laughing because I can totally see my husband doing some of these things! 🙂 For you guys posting your nasty replies, then maybe this article doesn’t apply to your situation (it sure does mine).
You men sound as if this were about housewives whose men work long, hard hours. In case you didn’t notice, the article isn’t trying to get men to mop the floor, scrub the toilet, or do any chores; just merely pick up after himself, little things that I expect my three year old to do! Things like putting your trash in the garbage, breaking a sweat to reach your arm a whole foot over and put your dirty clothes in the hamper, putting your cup in the sink, or beer bottle in the trash (maybe I don’t expect that last one from my three-year-old!). Is that asking too much?
In case you have forgotten, it is well past the 1950s and more than half of married women have full-time jobs. So in that case, the chores at home should be shared equally, and the men should scrub toilets and fold laundry. Again, in case you forgot, not all men bought their homes. I’d like to see my husband try to kick me out of my house that I bought before we got married. I’d laugh right in his face before I smacked him.
I’m going to try some of these tactics (I’ve tried a little before and it does get tiresome), because actions speak louder than words and nagging only gives him more reasons to complain.
Women, if your man resorts to cheating on you, or gets physical merely because you’re not his slave, and he is over two years old, then you are better off without him !
@Frustrated: What you’re describing is compulsive hoarding, and is very often associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). My wife and I are both longtime ‘hoarders’ ourselves; with mutual help, we’ve realized the irrationality of it and have managed to cut down (if not eliminate) our hoarding behaviors quite a bit. I think what really opened our eyes to our problems was watching the A+E show “Hoarders,” seeing how bad hoarding can get, and realizing how easily we could slip down to similar extremes ourselves. If you can watch a few episodes together (there are a lot available on YouTube), he hopefully will begin to realize the irrationality of what he’s doing; at the same time, you hopefully will be able to get a better idea of why he does these things. To a hoarder, the very thought of throwing something out can cause severe anxiety, and even full blown panic.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OCD
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding
First episode of Hoarders (with links to more): youtube.com/watch?v=Zi05zmPQ20o
My boyfriend is a mama’s boy; I don’t think he was ever allowed to do one single thing in the house. I think his parents would have happily volunteered to even breathe for him! When I see how his parents (and especially his mother) treat his younger brother (27), I am truly mortified. The guy behaves like they’re his servants, and they cater to his every whim. Obviously, it suits him to the dot, as he never volunteers to help. He doesn’t even know or bother to learn how to light the gas, take the trash out, do some shopping, etc. His mama even pours milk into his breakfast bowl and warms it up for him while he sits and gives orders from his comfy chair while his dad repairs punctured tires on his bike. I guess some people just want to be treated this way in order to feel useful. I totally don’t. And it’s insulting that she’s not even ashamed to ask, “why should he learn to take care of himself, that’s for his future wife to do.” And their house can fall into ruins, too obviously, since little darling only wants the fun bits in life, the way his mama and papa taught him: Do no work, yet you reap all rewards of someone else’s effort. Now, I didn’t know all this because before I moved in with him, I lived far away and we would only see each other occasionally. He was totally hopeless, he didn’t know how to be independent, what it was to take care of things, a household, laundry, and the list goes on.
I blame the parents, honestly. How can they do this to their children? Not all men will end up with a house, where the chores are divided (so to speak). Many actually end up living in apartments, with a girlfriend/boyfriend, or alone, and become total slobs (then you hear their parents complain). I had to teach him everything! It was driving me crazy, as I grew up in a family where we were taught to help with the chores on a daily basis and this idea of living with a mama’s boy was simply inconceivable. I used to live with a mama’s boy before who refused to help and preferred watching TV to doing his part. But I stuck it out this time and it all happened slowly. Now he cooks, vacuums, changes bedsheets, does the washing up and weekly shopping, etc. Yes, it’s still not “perfect,” and yes, I do my part, too. But after reading all these comments, I’ve realized I’m “lucky.” It’s shameful that I’ve had to do his parents’ work and teach the boy how to live like a decent adult who is proud of his apartment, but I’m lucky in the sense that he’s never refused to cooperate. Yes, I do get to yell at him when he doesn’t get things that I’ve been repeating over and over, as I’ve never chose to be his mother and teach him elementary duties, but compared to his selfish brother, at least he’s happy to make it work. It’s the parents’ responsibility to teach their children that house chores are part of everybody’s life (unless you can afford a maid) and that there’s no escaping. It’s just part of our lives and something to be proud of, not demeaning, full stop. Not man’s or woman’s duties, that’s just unfair unless you own a house and he does a lot of work outside. Remember, the most world-famous chefs are men! Life would be so much more enjoyable if people could get this, we could spend our time talking about something else rather than dirty socks or dishes, we would have more energy to do other pleasant things and wouldn’t feel bitter and miserable for a silly reason. It’s so simple, yet so complicated. It’s not a woman’s duty to teach her man these things, and men/women who refuse to adapt to this fact of life are without any doubt lame and selfish. If you want a butler behind your lazy ass, pay for him!
Your post is so disgusting. You’re wishing someone gets cheated on because she feels this article is an extreme way to get to the male psyche that most women do not want to be cleaning up after you? I do love the line, “I understand why no one wants to clean your house,” so apparently it’s not “our,” but “your” house. Interesting that when it comes to cleaning, it is only her house. As for your nonsense of, “it’s your responsibility if you deem him not cleaning up after himself,” do you also think it is the guy’s responsibility if he deems his wife not having sex with him a problem? Oh wait, probably not since it is a wife’s duty to shut up and spread her legs because sex is a need (!), it is just heinous to consider it a problem that a guy is not doing his share of the housework, or even just cleaning up the mess he made! Oh, no, if she “withholds” sex she’s abusive and deserves to get cheated on! But if a guy can’t at the very least clean up after himself and a woman complains about that, then his being a lazy, inconsiderate, slob is her problem. Tell me, would you advise a guy whose wife is “withholding” sex the same thing? That it is his problem and he should “communicate” in a way so she will do her part in the relationship, whether that means expensive gifts, or being on her beck and call to get her to put out? Interesting that it disgusts you to hear women complaining about their husbands not cleaning up after themselves. Would you say the same to men whose wives didn’t fulfill their sexual obligations? Probably not since you missed several men’s statements of no sex = you deserve to get cheated on. Grow up and learn some respect for humanity.
I find it hilarious that the “perfect guy” is a guy who does his share of the work, or at the very least cleans up after himself. What a low opinion you have of your own gender.
Interesting as well that the “perfect girl” isn’t a girl who works, or at the very least contributes financially.
Then you argue (pitifully, by the way) that a relationship is communication and compromise. In case you missed it, some of these women commenting have repeatedly communicated with their partners, and are now utterly frustrated. How are they supposed to compromise? Seems more like it’s “she” who is supposed to compromise, not “them.” It seems like the compromise is him doing what he wants; he goes to work and comes home, while she works like most households do, does her part of the housework, does his part of the housework, and cleans up after him. God help her if she goes to school, or there are kids. Yes, these women should get over it and move on by divorcing or dumping these men. Would you tolerate this “it’s a petty thing,” or “get over it and move on” if the “petty thing” was “withholding” sex?
You’re bringing up issues unrelated to the topic.
It sounds like you’re having a “woe is me” pity party for men.
So, women are jerks because men have selective service, and men do most of the “dangerous” jobs?
First off, if you have an issue with selective service, take it up with the lawmakers. Don’t place blame on women that men are drafted, but women are not. Are you aware that most people who make the laws are men? Are you aware that there are loads of groups that are either trying to get women drafted, or disband the draft altogether? In fact, plenty of “male rights” groups made fun of several feminist groups because some groups wanted to disband the draft while others wanted women to be in it.
With your logic that the female gender are jerks for laws (that most did not make) to draft men, I guess you take no issue when the male gender are called rapists since some men rape. At least in the “blame all men for rape” bit there are actually men who rape, unlike in the “females are jerks” bit, where most did not even make the laws.
And secondly, women are jerks because men choose to work dangerous jobs? It’s not my fault or any other man or woman’s fault if a man decides to pursue a dangerous job. Should women simply start pursuing careers they have no interest in and could kill them just because there are more men in that field, lest they be labeled jerks?
Your question, “do you want to compromise your relationship over a pair of socks?” is assuming that you think having a partner who does their part of the housework, or at the very least cleans up after themselves, is more insignificant than what most others should do.
How would you like women telling you that your needs are petty and unimportant?
To some, it is worth the compromise.
Why?
It’s not really a relationship worth having when a partner doesn’t care to fulfill your needs.
There’s not much love in a relationship when your partner doesn’t care about your needs.
Not many men would consider it a compromise to leave a woman who doesn’t want sex, or who rarely has sex with them.
If having a partner who does his part (or at the very least cleans up after himself) is important to you, and your partner doesn’t care to do it, then you are already compromising. Leaving a relationship where your needs aren’t met isn’t really compromising the relationship.
After all, how much of a relationship is it if your partner doesn’t care about your needs? How much of a relationship is it if your partner can’t even contribute and do his share of the work?
Would you ask this, “do you want to compromise your relationship, life is short” garbage to a man who doesn’t put in time and effort with his kids? After all, just like it is their kid, it is their house.
Would you ask this, “do you want to compromise your relationship, life is short” to men who have wives who don’t want to work or take care of the house/home? They are acting just like the men in the article, and not doing their part.
Would you like to be told, or to tell men who are in a sexless relationship (or rarely have sex), “do you want to compromise your relationship over a few seconds of physical gratification, especially when you can masturbate?” Maybe the next time she says no and you are wanking off or suppressing your desire, it will be a reminder that this is the woman you love. She’s not withholding, denying, being abusive, or disregarding your needs, she just said no. Someday she may say yes. Someday you won’t have the woman there to hear her voice. Life is so short.
Love this! 🙂 I will try anything! Thanks for the tips!
To all men who posted a comment about this article: Have you ever thought about the woman’s point of view in this situation? Have you ever once considered how hard we work at our jobs, which we most likely are not proud to do in the first place? Then we come home to what looks like a pig was living there for months! So much stuff laying around that you can’t open doors or walk down the hallway, you can’t even find your own clothes because his are in every corner and all over the floor, not to mention the shoes that, to his “knowledge,” magically appear in the middle of the floor. And after you men shave in front of the sink, you don’t bother to clean up the mess so that when we women go to brush our teeth, instead we’re getting a mouthful of whiskers. GROSS! The glasses of water, soda, etc., that stay on the coffee table and leave sticky rings, and if you men ever cook, you never clean up the mess, so we’re left with crumbs, grease splatters and nasty pans. You’re too lazy to take out the trash, so instead you do it half-way and put it out on the porch for us to eventually take out after noticing five or six bags that have started to rot!
Listen, if you guys aren’t respectful and considerate enough to think of your wife’s feelings, than you don’t deserve to be with her. She wants to know you care and to do that you need to help her around the house. A dirty house is just something that bothers us. If we aren’t happy, you know you won’t be either. A grumpy woman creates a grumpy man, which sparks fights, and face it: No one likes to fight with their spouse!
Oh and to Jason: That is a woman who has so many problems no one would know how to fix her but her. She obviously doesn’t deserve you. Leave her ass and take the kids. Find a woman that will complete you.
Jason, I am not certain what is going on with your wife, but she is a rude, selfish person. In talking with her to find out what is going on in her head, you have three choices: First, continue to put up with horrible behavior; second, leave, or third, try to work out some type of arrangement where there are boundaries (e.g., you come home and there is peace and quiet for a specific period of time, etc.).
As far as withholding sex because a woman is living with someone who does not pick up behind themselves, or someone who is untidy, a slob or just plain inconsiderate: that is not healthy, does not work and reduces the women to bartering good behavior for sex. Despite what anyone may think on a serious or satirical level, that is not a marriage or a love relationship. If your partner does not realize that being nasty, dirty, untidy, etc., is offensive and damaging to a sexual relationship, you may need to sit down calmly and explain to them that cleanliness and order is something you have to have in your life, like food, water and knowing bills will be paid. It has nothing to do with what sex you are, where you grew up or how your parents raised you. Being clean is a necessity. Having matching sheets and pillows is another matter and if they are not, clean most of us would rather sleep on Batman sheets and plaid pillowcases.
Jason, if I was single and living in Texas, I would certainly give you a call. If was just living in Texas, I would give your wife a call and share some happy living tips with her. What is the big deal about doing something nice, like cooking a meal, for someone who is paying bills? Maybe she should visit my home on the East Coast and realize she has got it made.
Frustrated, you are risking your health and your partner has some serious hoarder/mental health issues. You need to tell him that his habits are not healthy and move out.
Well, everyone’s situation is different. Some unfortunate women, work the same, if not more than their husbands, clean the house and their husbands’ messes, and in some cases even take care of the children. For those women who do both, and your husband only working the same amount of work hours, you are in the right. They are lazy jerks.
But this is my situation. I work full time, plus another part time business that brings in most of our extra income, but also contributes to a little extra dirt around the house. My wife works 20 hours a week, bringing in 10 times less than what is needed for our lifestyle.
We also have NO KIDS.
Now, because I do outside jobs, my 40 hour regular job, and an extra 10 hours a week doing a second job, paying 95% of her bills, while we have no kids, yes, I think she should have to clean the house and help me out.
I don’t nag at her to get more work and contribute to our bills. Why should she nag at me to contribute to the cleaning when I don’t nag at her for doing what I do – pay the bills that help us live? I do our number one priority: survival. Cleaning is very far down the list of priorities, although of course it should be one. By the way, when my wife met me, I had a very, very clean house.
I have read a lot here today, and like any human, most of it makes sense. Just today, I went to the basement and my boyfriend had socks on the floor, and two soda cans as well. At first, I said I was going to leave it and let him get it when he got home. Then I said, no, just pick it up to reduce arguments since I was off today. He does stuff for me when I don’t feel like it, and we are in a relationship. He has two sisters that always did it for him, even though he is a grown man. He is still learning what I like and don’t like. Ladies, we all get tired, I do too, and sometimes I just don’t do it. So if you don’t want to, don’t. Do it when you feel like it, but to do tick for tack will get you nowhere. Live alone then. But try to make home a great place to live; when a man comes home, he does not want to hear all about cleaning.
I was in a previous relationship about ten years ago, and he was a neat freak. Some else was wrong (we won’t talk about that). Make life happy; it is only a journey, and a short one.
And another thing, this is my house. So if I get too tired, just like I invited him in, I can invite him OUT! Get your own place.
I am glad that I could find this topic here. My man is a slob and we have lived separately for about three years now. I like to be this way, and I now have room to be myself. However, sometimes I wonder why we are still married. I feel obligated to come back to his messy house someday to take care of him and our house, but so far, I am not ready for that. As some postings say, I am certain that I should not expect my man to change, so the matter would be: can I be happy doing all the work and be a good wife? Well, I am not so confident. At least I am glad knowing there are many wives out there who have husbands who are not so clean, and they somewhat struggle with what I struggled with when I was living with my husband.
My husband passed away. What I wouldn’t do to be able to pick his dirty socks up off the ground.
Leaving him makes all the sense in the world, lol. If I did any of the things listed above, I’d never have sex, I’d always eat alone, and he’d never come home if I water-logged the remote. I could swear I’m dealing with Oppositional Defiant Disorder!
I love my sweetie, but when I moved in with him, I thought we were equal partners and that we wanted the same things. Neither of us was a neat freak, but that was OK, or so I thought. Things just started accumulating; literally piling up. So we moved to a bigger place, and more piled up. During all this time, he rarely touched anything once he had gotten it. I would ask him for his opinion on decorating, on storage, on home improvement, but he would just grunt or say ‘whatever.’ He was not home much due to working, so I cooked and cleaned (no appliances) so he would eat well, even though he would then go out all night by himself or with his friends. I just faithfully and lovingly moved the piles around, putting them in accessible places to help him finish his own ‘projects.’ I thought that if I was a good helpmate and encouraged his dreams, that was the way to diminish the piles. During this time, he did not read his books, did not open his magazines, etc. Meanwhile, I did not have accessible places to put my things – important things, like keys and my debit card – because his things had the place of honor. So I just tried to fit in my things wherever I could.
One night, I tried to cheer him up when he looked sad, and he told me he wanted to break up with me. He told me the office girl was much more empathetic about his past divorce and his kids, and understood his dreams. He said I had forced him to live according to my rules and ‘never let him say anything.’ I was hurt and dumbstruck since all this time I had been asking how he wanted the house and everything kept and he didn’t seem to care. I was also dumbstruck since I never mentioned the divorce as it makes him cry.
But the office girl lost interest in him, and we downsized to a very tiny cabin with minimal plumbing and electricity, about 20 feet by six feet. I thought his plan was that we would both live minimally, since we threw out most of our possessions. We did have a storage/work unit that was piled high with our materials for projects, and I decided to stop trying to pretend to be a domestic goddess since that hadn’t worked. He didn’t want it anyway and look where it got me. So I stopped cooking since I worked full time, and we had no amenities since we had decided adventure was the thing.
Less than a month later, he said that good dinners were an important part of his life and started cooking. At that point, I was working full-time and he was not (though I was still juggling the bills and paying 50-70% as I always had, no matter what). I paid for all the food, but I didn’t really care about eating since I did not have much time. But it made him proud and happy, and his friends praised him for bringing over food (when I cooked, he always told me not to bring anything over to parties).
But in the meantime, things still started accumulating, and in our new life there were more chores that had to be done for safety’s sake (not for appearance), and it was not easy. He liked to show off our abode, so I tried to keep it shipshape, since sometimes I saw that people felt sorry for us instead of realizing we were rejecting debt. At first he was very macho in this place and I could not mention anything without him getting mad at me. But I saw things go wrong and I felt guilty as his partner if I held my tongue. So I started trying to find ways we could make our life better, one day at a time. He finally seemed to understand (after many discussions that turned into arguments) that I was only trying to do my share, but he also stopped being macho and doing everything. So I would identify something I wanted to fix, but he would not do it, but he controlled the tools and the home, so I could not do it either.
I have employment/financial/relative issues going on now, plus with the new year, I think I should be achieving more. So I have tried to let him know that I need help. That if he has proposed to do something and I say it sounds like a good idea (I try not to be the one to come up with ideas anymore), if he went ahead and did that small task, it would be a load off my mind.
He starts picking up little things in a rage (even though I tell him it’s not about that; I want to be partners who agree on a system of organization). Then he says he is just demonstrating that cleaning is, ‘putting things back where they belong.’ I can still never get him to decide with me where things belong, and if I try to find a place, he either puts his stuff there or says I am being controlling. Sometimes we seem to decide, and then he never puts anything there and then he says I’m a nag if I remind him.
Meanwhile, the storage/work unit (I pay rent on both) is full again, and the men treat me like a secretary or a ball and chain whenever I stop by the unit to try to find our tools that I brought long ago to try to start the projects I dreamed of back then. In the house and in the unit, I usually have to balance on tiptoe in one spot on the floor. It is piled high on the walls. I try to figure out escape routes for our frequent earthquakes.
I know this is very long, but I think I will have to commit suicide. If I cannot live with him, I will have to live alone for the rest of my life. We have mold and fungus and dust. I can only barely gather together the things I need for work, and in the mess, I cannot do anything with my life except go to work, and in today’s economy, that is not very rewarding. I am not pretty or charming, so I know I should clean, cook, and work for him, but I did that before, and as I mentioned, it did not seem to be very noteworthy in his eyes. He is very handsome, charming, and sensitive, so I have tried to ask in many different ways like those described above, and figure out strategies to help him achieve it (I do not withhold sex, but at the end of the day I am very tired from work and then we have to move piles, and papers, and computer equipment out of the bed when we make love, which does not enhance the mood, and I have trouble committing myself fully to the moment. I also have trouble sleeping in the bed because it is not very restful and I try not to worry that one of the heavy piles will fall on me.
So it seems that I should just shut my mouth and be grateful that I have a man that is usually sweet (we will never have children), but I can’t shake the idea that God gave me a mouth and half a brain and I should use it, since it is hard to have these ideas for projects now and know that I will never make anything that is not bigger than my lap. Plus, I still think we could be partners and approach the house like a project and he could take my advice the way he takes his buddies’ advice when they come over for a beer (sometimes they say the same things I do, but I guess they say it better because when they say it, he jumps up and does it the next day). He seems to miss me when I’m not there, but I am literally wondering if I ‘fit’ into his life anymore, as there is physically no room. But worst of all is being dismissed at work, at my storage unit, and at home. I guess it must be true that I am a nag; I do know that it is not his fault. If I were nicer and sweeter, he would want to do things for me the way he does things for other people. So either I stay and become an even worse girlfriend and then he leaves, or I leave and die lonely. So maybe I should just cut things short.
Are you serious?
You’re being manipulated, gaslit (gaslighted?), disrespected and abused. I know how it feels to be mistreated by a man and think suicide is the only way out. There are women out there who are with a man or partner or with themselves and still choose themselves and their children over their partner. Do you want this for yourself? Do you want to have control over your own happiness?
It breaks my cold heart reading your story. Leave, and see what happens to you. Find pleasure in life for you, not this man who keeps you for what you give him, not the beauty and worth you have. Looks are nothing compared to the unique dimensions of a person. Build yourself up and leave this ass. Leave him before it’s too late to live your life for you, and create an opportunity to set an example for women everywhere.
Are you serious?! God did give you a brain, but you seem to not be using it where this man is concerned. Why? There are far worse things than being alone. I guarantee someone out there wishes they had a partner that cares that much for them. Problem is, if you keep wasting your time on this guy that’s using you, Mr. Right can’t find you! Dear, you are letting yourself be manipulated, controlled, and for what? Because you’re insecure about your looks? Pshht! You have so much to offer. You should’ve left long ago, but good news: it’s not too late! You’re still breathing, so get out from under this hoarder and start living!
Hi. I know this situation you talked about was a while ago, but I hope you made peace with yourself. You do not have to be Ms. Perfect, charming, or “attractive” to deserve love. Everyone needs love and kindness. Your boyfriend is or was self absorbed and so selfish. It was never about the mess more so than the respect and appreciation for your love and actions. I’m sorry he was this way to you, you truly deserved better. Sometimes better is being alone, to give yourself that love and appreciation. You are so much more than what you give of yourself. Don’t forget to give to yourself and find your self worth. We women forget how powerful we are because we are often drowned out by this roll-playing noise, and have to clean up so much of other people’s “mess”, we place our power on a shelf, sometimes only to exist in another person’s bubble. Love every inch of your heart, mind, and spirit girl! Inside and out. Know your worth and exude it through self realization, and you will attract people who will recognize and respect it in you. I wish you peace and love.
Loved the article and all the comments.
I read through how inept these men are and I wonder; if they are so incapable, how do they manage to hold down jobs at all? Try “I forgot” at work multiple times and they would be fired, same with doing something and messing it up so they don’t have to do it again. They would be fired.
So don’t believe all this about men’s psyche can only focus on one task – rubbish.
The real reason is they don’t want to do it. They want you to do it. So they will play every game to get you to be quiet and do it. It is just disrespect and selfishness on their part.
My wife nagged me all the time about not helping clean up, even though I always did the snow shoveling, the garbage, the lawn mowing, the raking, etc. Even though I worked all week and she only worked weekends. I told her I might be more interested in helping if she put on a french maid costume while we cleaned once in a while–or woke me up with a b.j. or something. Never happened. I could never do enough to please her, and she never did anything that I considered important. She withheld sex, so I got a steady stream of eager younger, hotter volunteers. Now she is my EX, and I live in my own filth elsewhere in peace. She admitted that the house got just as dirty after I moved out…then she admitted she never realized how much yard work and fixing I did. She hired a maid,a kid to do the lawn work, and a handyman to fix things. She’s still miserable.
The happiest time of our marriage was when she worked full time at night, and I’d clean up a bit as soon as she left, and then I’d go to my mistress(es) house(s) and have lots of sex and good times, and make dirty dishes there, and mess up their beds or go out to eat or… So I never stayed home long enough to make a dish dirty or mess up the bed. I did the laundry and put mine away and hers; I loosened the already made bed (I could never make it as tight and perfect as hers) and she was nicer to me than any other time in the marriage. I will repeat this, to stress the importance: My wife and I were happiest when I was never home to make a mess, cleaned quickly as soon as she left and then went to my mistress.
OK. I am a man. I work 50+ hours a week. My girlfriend never learned how to cook, so I take on that chore when I get home. She never got around to getting her license, so all shopping is my duty as well. She doesn’t have a job and my house hasn’t been clean in six years. You can write as many articles as you want about what slobs us men are, but of the posts that I read, the men, for the most part, slouched on cleaning due to a need for relaxation, not plain laziness. Women’s lib is so one-sided it sickens me. Even with all that I do and the big wad of nothing that she does, I have been talked down to for expecting a clean house. So here is the deal, ladies: find equality, because if your man feels like he is the only one in a relationship, then he will treat you as such and you will find yourself wondering what ever happened to that good guy you dated/married. My girlfriend has two days. How long do you have?
Happy Bachelor, you are a pig. I wonder if you will be happy when you are all alone in your sixties in your big dirty mess. Maybe your ex does not realize it yet, but clearly the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to her! I hope that she did well in the settlement.
Happy Bachelor,
You’re an idiot. Believe me when I tell you this: your ex-wife is the lucky one. Lucky to not have to deal with a putz like you anymore.
I have a great husband, and for the most part we get along very well, but he grew up in a very messy home. He was never taught how to clean up after himself. He would never hear me complain if he would put away his clothes (dirty/clean), wash a bowl/plate HE used, swept the floor every once in a while, kept his personal space more clean, and took the trash out every once in a while! I work my fingers to the bone trying to keep the house clean and all I ask for is a little help. When I ask, he will try his best, and I don’t complain if he doesn’t fold the towels the exact way I do (if he’s helping, NEVER complain about the way he does it). He will help for about an hour, then disappear; not to be seen again until he’s hungry. Then the cycle starts all over again!
I got the satire right away, but I was more interested in the discussion anyway. There are a lot of depressing comments on here, from men and women.
The women on here who think women should just do all these things for their male partners simply because they’re women and they should love and honor their men – what century did you grow up in? The men who think their women should praise them for doing things they should be doing anyway – what are you, five? Grow up already. Also, the men on here who think that outside work is man’s work and inside work is woman’s work; 1) what century did you grow up in? and 2) outside work is not everyday work, nor is it even every-week work, whereas inside work is every day and even every morning and every evening. In no way is outside work comparable with inside work.
Most households now have both partners working outside the home, therefore, when they both come home, it shouldn’t just be one of them who enjoys leisure time. The best advice I have read on here is to communicate, when you initially move in together, as to what the chores are and how they will be divvied up. If someone is not fulfilling their agreed upon chores, yeah, the couple will have to have another meeting of the minds to discuss why one or both of them aren’t fulfilling their household duties.
Men are still reared to subscribe to traditional gender roles (you can tell by most of their comments on here and some of the women too – the ‘you should pick up after your husband and praise him when he takes out the trash’ women), whereby a woman will take care of their needs in a relationship and that is expected of women. That is the main reason why all the recent studies conclude that divorced women are happier than married women and divorced men are unhappier than married men. Because in a marriage, the man still is taken care of, by the woman. That is why 70% of divorces are filed by women – they want to be married to an adult, not a child. In short, a man bringing home a paycheck is no longer enough.
Andreas said it best up-thread:
To men: “ If you act like a child instead of an equal partner in a domestic situation, and you’re not getting sex, perhaps your partner isn’t into having sex with children.”
THIS is the main reason why women who live with their partner don’t want to have sex regularly, because they are too exhausted from caring for him, the house and the children (if any). When men finally grow up (as men from younger generations, like Gen X and Y, are already doing), they will find their homes much more pleasant living experiences as they share the household responsibilities and co-parent.
Hah. I work full time and consult part time, and am still cleaner by far than my significant other. This article ought to say him/her, not just “him.” I’m half Korean; we’re anal retentive (comes with the culture); she’s Filipino, where they’re accustomed to having maids and drivers. So I wish you could come up with a ‘how to get HER to clean up after herself’ article. Most women would only dream of my cleanliness skills! ^_^
I guess women are not as smart as I thought. All men are not the same.
What if it’s the female making all the messes and the man is the clean one?
Just as bad. Men and women need to be considerate and help each other out as well as support each other. No need for either sex to be overly sloppy.
I am a man and the only member of the family with a job. This sort of thing does NOT go one way. I do pretty much everything for my family, and my wife does pretty much nothing. Every day I go to work and watch my friends eat a lunch make by their wives because they are grateful for their husbands, and I get to wonder where those wonderful women came from. As far as I can tell, men are expected to work and support the family while the wife stays home and spends money and does whatever she wants. That’s an absurd expectation of any spouse. At some point women went from equal rights, to man-bashing and laziness. EVERYONE should work. EVERYONE should contribute. It sounds like there are a lot of lazy men out there that need a work ethic, but from someone on the other side of the fence, it seems like women don’t want to support their family in any way, and only want to pursue some sort of selfish angle with life. I just want a happy family where we both contribute.
If you can clean up after your kid, why can’t you clean up after your husband?
Your husband properly does so many other things that make up for his lack of tidiness.
Be grateful for the things that you do have.
At least he’s home to make the house dirty. 😀
“Communication is the best tool you have, not withholding important things.”
Really, this is the only comment worth anything. My husband and I both work, and we have two kids. We gradually fell into a comfortable routine of who does what over the years. And I feel that we’ve got the housework distributed evenly 95% of the time. And for that 5% when I feel like I’m doing too much and it’s unfair, I remember that if the drain is clogged, or if the garbage disposal isn’t working, or if the internet is down, or if the heating stopped working, etc., etc., etc., I don’t have to try and fix any of that. He does it without complaint.
It took a while before we got into our routine. Before then, I was doing the majority of the work by far, and picking up after him, much as is described. So what did I do? I asked him to clean with me. “Can you do the dishes while I fold the laundry? Can you pick up the family room while I clean the bathroom?” Sure, it was irritating to keep asking, and I’m sure he was irritated at being asked, but he could see that it wasn’t fair for one person to sit on the couch while the other cleaned. And he never said no unless he was really tired.
So that worked for us. But I had to ask, and take the initiative repeatedly. And then I thanked him for it, and told him he was a great husband. The thanks makes a big difference, as all you women know from feeling unappreciated.
Communication is key. Marriage is hard work. Anyone that tells you otherwise is selling something.
Wow, what a lively discussion!
Okay, I know the article was a tongue in cheek joke. However, there are some real issues here. I see a lot of women like myself with FULL TIME JOBS the same as the man, or, a stay at home mom (read: works 70-plus hours a week; I’ve done both), run the household, cook the food, clean up everything, plan everything, etc., etc. Men have the advantage as they are often raised to understand to get a job and the rest will take care of itself. My man is a software engineer who makes great money. I’m a chef and we have a baby. I make a third what he makes, but it’s VERY clear my job is far, FAR more stressful. On top of that, I have horrible health, like three surgeries a year and about an inch away from disability status from immunity/systematic issues. Sometimes I feel he takes advantage of me because he has the ability to make far more than me and is healthier (meaning, he’ll expect me to do everything around the house, work whenever I can, recover from major surgeries while watching the sick baby AND cook dinner, etc., etc.), but it’s not a SPOKEN expectation. He’ll say things like, “I’ll get it,” however he doesn’t mean it. Him getting it is doing a third of the work, leaving most of it for me anyway, and then taking three-times as long so we have absolutely no time to spend together as a couple or family by the end of the day. So what do I do after six years?
I do ALL the cooking. 90% or more of the dishes. 90% or more of the laundry, 100% of the pet care, 100% of the floor/cleaning, all of the clutter control, outside work (yup, he doesn’t even do that) and I take care of the baby because he gets angry and frustrated and short with him too easily. I ask him to do little, EASY things like bringing a load of laundry on his way downstairs, and he’ll “forget.” When it happens three times in two days, I’ll bring it up and he’ll “punish” me by avoiding me all that night because I created controversy and called him out on something. AND HE CALLS ME CONTROLLING. I’m so tired of it. He also makes promises he doesn’t keep – BIG ones. He “changes” his mind when it’s time to act, making me the fool. Like when he proposed to me two years ago and I still don’t have a ring. And we haven’t even set a date and he won’t even engage in a conversation about getting married. He also promised to move. I’ve lived with him in a condo in the middle of nowhere, MI (I’m from NYC) for six and a half years and I’m MISERABLE, but I stay because he keeps promising me he’ll move back home with me. Then when it comes time to sell the house, like clockwork, he’ll “start to have second thoughts.”
I’ve given him six and a half of the best years of my life, my late 20’s, and now I’m 32. With my health I may not be able to have more children – my dream, and I don’t know what to do. He helps around the house ONLY if he’s pressured into it, otherwise I am to do everything because he “doesn’t care.” I left for two weeks recently for the first time in three years, and I came home to squalor and my son was playing in filth. There was rotting garbage in the kitchen. I could handle all that, and the fact it too 12 hours to clean it back to the way it was, but it’s his attitude that kills me. He never says thank you. I cook him a homemade dinner almost every night and take on most of the work, and all he’s interested in is Star Trek and superheros. It’s like he’s 12 years old.
He just wants to zone out and escape as if life is so horrible that he can’t handle it. But it makes my life worse. I never signed up to be a maid. And he DOES withhold sex from ME! I want intimacy and he won’t touch me for a week or longer because he doesn’t care about sex and he’s lazy. He’s just LAZY. Period. Sure, he now makes over $100,000 a year, but does that give him the right to treat me like crap? It seems like the more money he makes, the worse he treats me. I did not have the opportunity to go to college even though I wanted to and was very gifted. His folks paid for his. My parents abused me, and I was left homeless at 19 years old and had to get a job. Between this and my health, I have not gotten much of what I wanted in life. He knows this. He gets everything he wants. We live where he wants, he works where he wants, does what he wants, and worst: he withholds conversation and communication and avoids talking to me about anything that will fix it at any cost. I’m fed up. It makes me cry because we have the most beautiful son in the world. One that deserves both parents. It crushes me, and with my health I don’t know if I can do it alone. I feel so alone and taken advantage of. Even though it appears I have a well-off, good-looking guy and a gorgeous son – I have great things – but none of them are MINE. Nothing in this world is, and nothing looks like it will be. I’m just the maid.
I hate when he gets around his friends and hits my butt.
As someone that has ended up picking up after every single boyfriend I’ve ever had, WHILE working full time AND going to school full time, I agree completely that one of the biggest issues causing this is pampering by mommies. Especially stay-at-home mommies. I will not beg a grown man to pick up after himself. My ex-fiance used to fly down to visit me, and every time I’d ask him, “Do you need to do laundry before you leave tomorrow? The washer and dryer are empty.” And every time he’d say, “Oh, yeah, I do.” And then he’d go grab his dirty clothes, which were strewn around my bedroom (unless I’d gotten frustrated and picked them up), carry them over to wherever I was standing, drop them AT MY FEET, kiss me on the cheek and go plop back down on the couch. Every time he’d cook something, the dish would just get tossed in the sink like it was no big deal to just leave dirty dishes in my clean sink. No matter how many times I begged, bartered or threatened. That didn’t last long.
My current boyfriend, I asked just yesterday (very sweetly) to please help me make my bed, since he’d been staying over the last 4 nights and I needed to wash the bedding since we’d gotten it kind of messy that morning (well, HE had–it only took him about 40 seconds, after which he had to leave for work, and I was stuck with the mess). I work nights, and I was up about eight hours past my bedtime and literally jittery with exhaustion. He said, “Are you serious? I can’t believe you’re asking me to help you make YOUR bed. I’d never ask you to help me make mine at my house. I mean, it’s YOUR bed–you can make it. What would you do if I weren’t here?” He whined so much I just rolled my eyes and stomped out and did it myself while he sat on his ass on my couch and watched sports. I’ve asked him 100 times to keep my kitchen counter clean and clear–I make food on there, and it’s the most aesthetic part of my apartment. But every day he walks in and plops all his stuff-shoes, clothes, keys, wallet, etc., down on the first open counter space he sees, regardless of how clean and neat it is when he walks in. I might honestly start using the balcony method mentioned above if this doesn’t change soon. I don’t sense this one lasting much longer either if something doesn’t change quickly and in a hurry.
Wow, seems I am a lucky woman. My fiance is the best. Both of us might not be the cleanest ones, we don’t need to have an all shiny flat, but what needs to be done gets done. He works full time and I do usually most of the household. Still, he picks up stuff after himself (most of the time, sometimes he really forgets, but well, nobody is perfect 🙂 ), does the laundry from time to time, and dishes when I ask him to (although he really hates that one).
Now I am pregnant and I suffer from 24/7 morning sickness and feel really weak the whole day. I can barely eat anything and I sleep a lot, because I am constantly tired. Guess what, he understands and pampers me!
I really wonder what I did to deserve such an angel of a man. He is truly awesome and I love him with all my heart!
I kind of like cleaning, but realize that I can’t do all of it in my spare time. That’s why I’m going to get a dishwasher and hire a cleaner! I really don’t have time to wait for Mr. Man to do it, so I’m going to take matters into my own hands. Sure it costs money, but I think a clean house is a priority for a productive life. If Hubby thinks I’m throwing money away, then I will let him do it. 😉
I think part of the problem is that women are “nesters” by nature, and men are not. They do not really care that much about cleanliness. Women have it in their genes. I don’t mean all men are like that, but I would hire a women over a man anytime as a housekeeper. Also, women can and do handle a multitude of tasks on a daily basis, but it’s a mental thing. We know how to organize our thoughts about how to get things done. Most men simply don’t have the mindset to do too many things in one day. If there was a guy who enjoyed cleaning, that would be all he’d do.
Not all men are even that interested in sex. And most would be satisfied to just go get a couple of McDoubles if their wife doesn’t want to cook. I have read book after book and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s really impossible to get a man to do anything he doesn’t want or HAVE to do. I blame two people: 1) their mothers for breaking down and doing things for them instead of insisting that they break out of their laziness. Every man will get away with as much as we (women) let him get away with. 2) Myself (or any other girlfriend/wife who is in this hopeless situation). When we start dating someone, we want to please them so badly because that is our nature and what we are conditioned to do. If we do this or that for him, he will see how valuable we are and will want to keep us around. That may be true, but then we are stuck with the expectation that we will do all of the same things for him for the rest of our marriage. It’s a deadly trap. The only way to stop the cycle is to break it in the dating stage. I don’t mean we have to be cold and have a bad attitude, but if it’s not something you’re prepared to do for the rest of your life, don’t do it EVER. That way, they know the expectations and boundaries up front.
I totally blame men’s mothers who think they are doing good for their sons. Not knowing how to take care of things like washing clothes, and doing dishes, and generally taking care of themselves. So you stupid women who do this, stop now. Women these days won’t take any crap from a dirty man, she will just get rid of him.
Please delete this article; it is an embarrassment to both men and women. There are people who love having sex with their partner, they don’t need housecleaning motivation to do it, and whose partners listen and do things because they should. If I had to barter with my husband over these things, I would feel/be pathetic.
This is a terrible article.
To the people who say, “you do the cleaning and cooking and mending, and he does the yard work and hard stuff, so just keep your mouth shut and do the cleaning”… I’d like to say this.
Say you have a couple, and one of them (we’ll say “she,” though it doesn’t have to be a woman) cleans, cooks and mends, and the other (we’ll say “he,” but it doesn’t have to be a man) does yard work and various household repairs. So, she does the cleaning, but he’s leaving his socks and underwear everywhere, and dripping pee on the bathroom floor. You may say, “cleaning’s her job, so she should just clean it up!” But it’s NOT about who does what job; it’s about RESPECT! Picking up after himself is respecting that she has a job to do and shows that he appreciates it. NOT picking up is making her job harder and showing disrespect. And if he’s the one who mows the lawn, she shouldn’t make it harder for him by, say, storing her stuff near the lawnmower so it’s in the way. Or if he’s the one who has to clear out the sink when it clogs, she’s careful to always use the strainer and not wash hair or food bits down the drain. It’s a simple matter of respect: I respect you and I respect that you do this job that is useful to us both, so I won’t make it harder for you. Doesn’t that make sense? Oh, and by the way, anyone between toddler-hood and senility should be cleaning up his or her own pee (and other bodily fluids and excretions), period.
Yes,
Get rid of excess possessions, appliances, clothing, pets, movies, music, books, linens, and furniture.
Sell them if you must.
I didn’t clean up after my roommate and I won’t for my husband. People assume the wife or girlfriend must clean, or that the person that is home all day must clean. Most stay at home spouses will clean up after themselves, and logically clean up after the person’s stuff that’s in the same area that they are cleaning. Not because they are designated to, but because it is easier to get around when the path is clear. We as a society have become consumerists. The economy is not great.
I used to be into my house looking decorated; I had custom-made curtains and duvets.
Now, I want functionality.
What I have learned the hard way is, cleaner and organized is more beautiful and functional than any McMansion with nicknacks, mini statues, framed art, and two tall bookcases (with books on topics you can Google and fiction that you should just check out from library). Tons of fancy little appliances that you barely use. Expired makeup, and a gazillion bottles of perfume that have carcinogens and formaldehyde. Make it more simple on yourself. If you can’t manage things after that, then just tell your spouse it’s unmanageable. It ruined my sex life being busy all the time with all our pointless belongings. The upkeep, the storage, and every move was harder to pack. I told my husband; my anxiety was making my life miserable. I wanted a house that was functional, and a garden. When I gave away all my makeup, perfumes, fancy shoes that hurt, the little black dresses that were too big (or too small), all my books and decor…HE MUST HAVE REALIZED his stuff was next, and also that it must have really made me miserable, to go so far as giving away my prized possessions. He pitied me and began picking up his clothes, and hanging up the clean ones. He has his own bathroom, and keeps it the same as when I purged it.
Now I’m allowed the luxury of being a sexual being again, instead of his “mother.” It’s really hard to get “in the mood” when your husband lives like your teenage son. I also mentioned there was no way in hell I would bear him children, when I have a 30-year-old child now.
He didn’t need to clean everything, just his clothes and laundry-related tasks.
You’d be surprised how much that helps.
I can’t speak for all men, but I can speak for myself.
If I was just respected and appreciated, I would be infinitely willing to do more. It is when I’m being belittled, put down, or emasculated that I say, “screw it.” Why put effort into something for someone who doesn’t care enough about me to treat me with respect or appreciation?
I need to feel valued. I need that far more than even sex or affection.
Let me know you appreciate me and what I do, and I will want to do more (i.e., I want to hear more about what you appreciate about me).
If you resort to underhanded manipulation, that is exactly how I will feel: manipulated. When I feel manipulated, I feel unappreciated, like I don’t have any value for you, that you don’t respect me, etc., and I will be LESS likely to do things for you because of that.
Something to think about…
Oh my god. I clean the house, do the laundry, cook the meals, do the shopping, take the kids to and from school, and give my wife foot rubs five days a week. All I’d like is a little sex out of the deal and I barely get any. Should I play hardball, too? “No sex, no clean?”
Shit. I wish my husband did this, lol.
Me too, I wish my husband would pick up behind his self. OMG!! He knocks the planter over on the front porch & gets mad at me…he takes a bath, leaves the tub dirty, then I had to wash it to get in & out! He pees all over the seat & the floor. He leaves trash all next to the trash can. He leaves crumbs on the table, food in the sink, he half-washes dishes with his hand and if I never washed a dish he would leave them there to mildew! He never washes out the trash can in the living room, nor does he ever clean the ashtrays, which leaves a stale order in the area. Nor does he ever make the beds. We now have dog food all over the floor that all feeds the roaches, but he just buys spray when all he has to do is clean behind himself. When I come home from work it’s so frustrating to have to clean up for an hour to relax. I told his mom and she says, “Well he had to never do those things,” she did it for him. OMG I didn’t get married to be his maid.
Me too! There are helpful men out there. My brother is one…He helps his wife, but then he was raised by our dad,.. the best example of a man I’ve ever met. My dad put himself through law school, while working full time, and still managed to help our mom with us kids!
That’s what we’re used to and I expect from hubby and my boys…But most men today are like you guys described! Why?
It’s all made me very resentful & angry. I know what I bring to the table & I’m not afraid to eat alone because it’s a lot neater that way.
When mine consistently puts his own dishes in the sink and the trash in the can instead of on the floor by his chair, he gets heaps of love from me and a weekly favor (the one that starts and ends with a “b”…).
And I’m the one with the job. We don’t even have kids that he takes care of. He cares less about sex than I do. Will wear the same dirty clothes and eat dry cereal with swigs of milk from the carton for every meal unless I cook. Only after a huge fight will he carry his own dishes to the sink (and then it is so full, I can’t use the faucet).
Your wife oughta know she is lucky.
You are a king among men. Your wife is spoiled and she needs to appreciate you. If you were mine, you could get it anytime you want! My husband can’t get any because messiness turns me OFF. OMG I am reading these comments and I feel like I need a support group. I’m going through everything said here… Stay strong Kevin… I’m praying for you!!!
Tried that, doesn’t work. I am the only one cleaning. In fact, I have to clean when she isn’t home because if I clean when she is, she literally blows up at me!
My wife demonstrated to me another “what not to do.” She came right out and told me that my opinions and thoughts are not wanted or valued and she doesn’t want to hear them.
So, ask yourself: in any relationship, if you were told this, would you feel like doing anything for that person?
All the guys who say, “That would get you kicked out of my house!” Well, what happens when it’s MY house and I make more money than you AND I clean up after you? Then what? Should I kick you out?
I have a live-in boyfriend. He has been living with me for three years with his teenage son and three dogs while his house is being remodeled.
I do most everything in the house. He does his and his son’s laundry, and sometimes cooks. He also does the dishes. He will also do major repairs like replacing outlets or faucets. But I have to put a disclaimer on these things: they’re only done when he wants and if he wants. He decides to wait for months, then so be it. I better shut up. He will not be told when to do something.
I have to pick up his clothes and put them in his dirty basket; I have to clean up after his dogs and son. He refuses to bathe the dogs. In the seven years that I have been with him, he hasn’t bathed them once. If I don’t do it, they stink so bad or have poop stuck to their rear ends. They are inside dogs and I can’t just throw them outside. He just doesn’t care.
Trying any of the above won’t work. He could care less if he went months without any of it. He’s very bull-headed and no one can force him to do anything.
I work 40-50 hours a week, go to school full-time and still have to clean the whole house and do all the yard work and my car maintenance.
He claims he can’t wait to get back to his house ASAP to not have to hear my constant nagging, but who the heck is going to take care of all of the above I have listed? It won’t be me! He claims he’s looking forward to doing it all himself again…well why can’t you do some of it now?
He’s always mad at me for something. Usually it’s because I’ve gotten upset with him about the work so he’ll just turn it around on me.
I’m so frustrated!
Well, this all makes interesting reading!
We’re in the position where we own our own business and my OH works outside of the house most days. I do all the accounts/admin., etc, and look after our girls during the days. As I’m at home, the house is my job, but I would love it if he would put his stuff away. Things can sit in the dining room for weeks if I don’t move them. I gave up a long time ago. He doesn’t see his fishing rods sitting in the corner as ‘mess’ because they’re propped up and out of the way; “what’s the problem?” And actually, I’ve ended up agreeing. I’d love it if he’d put them away, but it’s not worth getting bitter over! He’ll clean up the kitchen, wipe the tables and generally pick up in the evening once the girls are in bed (we take a room each) and if one night he doesn’t feel like it, I just get on with it, knowing one night this week he’ll send me off for a bath while he does it. It’s all about sharing. He wouldn’t consider cleaning the bathroom/windows/floors, but that’s not because he’s lazy or considers it my work; it just wouldn’t cross his mind to do it. And guess what? I still love him like crazy and that’s just fine by me.
Oh my god! I never knew so many women go through the same thing that I do EVERYDAY! My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and have been living together for almost three years (we got together in high school). He works and I stay home with our 16-month-old daughter. I do all of the regular cleaning (dishes, laundry, vacuum, sweep, mop, clean bathrooms, etc.), but what really ticks me off is him leaving his stuff EVERYWHERE! He will leave his trash, dishes, dirty clothes, and shoes laying around! I don’t mind cleaning the house but when he gets home from work, it is a disaster again! If I even ask him to pick up after himself, he complains about how I nag and that is the only thing I ever ask him to do besides change or feed our daughter while I am cooking, etc., but he also complains about doing that!
I don’t understand why us men are always referred to as neanderthals, when in actuality there are just as many intelligent men out there as there are women. Also, many of these “tricks” won’t work as they are just annoyances that will make everyone in the family angry. One thing that might work though, is talking to him and telling him how great he is when he cleans up after himself. Also, mention that he is better than most husbands, in that, he is one of the few that actually does these things. Men crave power and want to be better than everyone else, so this should work, unless he has no ambitions or leadership qualities. If that is the case, then you are out of luck.
I don’t want to do anything that I don’t want to do, when it comes to sex. I don’t tell my boyfriend what to do. I know when I’m getting mad and overwhelmed. He doesn’t like to help, but I show him how happy it makes me when he does, and it makes him a little happier that he did it.
Great, now you can write an article how to get women to clean, and flush after themselves, and stop being so damn messy. Go.
I am a man, and I agree with women talking about men not cleaning up after themselves. Well, not all men are like that. I live alone and keeping my place neat and clean is a priority. I have been to bachelor’s homes, and its like a pig sty. Dirty dishes, overfilled trash (including the stench), and dirty clothes on floor. These men have not been raised to clean up after themselves because their moms or sisters took care of that. I learned to stay clean as a responsibility. There are men out there who are responsible and take good care of their dwellings, but a lot of them are outright lazy and find excuses not to clean up. Call their moms and ask them to come over and give them a whooping. That will do it.
I was in a similar situation with my husband for the first year of our marriage. I would constantly nag him to pick his things up. I found myself getting angry and resentful, so I created the “Mommy Box”. At the end of the day, I walked through the house, room to room (only takes a few minutes, a lot less time than it would take to nag my husband) and put anything and everything he has decided to leave out into this “Mommy Box”. Sometimes it was cans with chew and beer piled atop a shirt, or socks piled atop crumbs from the counter and a greasy plate from the sink on top of some shoes. Then I put the box on the back porch so the next day he could sort through the items just in case he might want to salvage something. Anything left in the box by the end of the week went into the garbage. It solved our problems, no nagging from me anymore, and he knows what the consequences are if he decides to not pick his stuff up before he goes to bed (beer/chew/crumb-covered, greasy shoes). We have a great marriage and a clean house, and very clear communication.
My girlfriend referenced me to this article, and I realized I’d already read it. I still believe what I said before but I wonder at all these comments wherein people are spouting off psychobabble like they just got done watching Dr. Phil. Really? It’s his “Mommy’s” fault that he’s such a pig? He is still abiding by the gender roles that he need only work? What a bunch of crap. So he’s still abiding by cave man gender roles but all women are still following their own gender roles in that they were taught to cook, clean blah blah blah; really!? You believe that nonsense!? It’s your contention that all the long suffering women out there were raised to adhere to pre (unnecessary) second wave feminism and men were as well? Sounds like a half-assed pretense for making it all his fault.
“Oh my God I didn’t know there were so many women out there like me!” Go read an article that is harping on people who are married to people with PICA and you’ll see a preponderance of comments about people referencing their partners’ penchant for eating dirt or drywall. It doesn’t prove that there is an overabundance of people living in that situation.
I would also point out that “he/she won’t clean the ______!” in most of these comments one could just as easily read “he/she (mostly he) won’t clean the ______ the way I want!” I can understand why men wouldn’t rock the boat, particularly if there are kids involved, he’ll end up with the clothes on his back if he’s lucky after biased divorce and family courts are done with him but other than that specific circumstance I would just point out again, if you really are in a horrible situation and aren’t just an aspiring victim cultist then do something about it.
My best roommate/relationship was with my gay friend. God, do I miss him. We lived like real adults. Never had to sit and talk about what needed to get done, because we were both grown ups and treated our home and each other as such. Anyone who doesn’t clean is retarded. Mentally stunted at some selfish single digit age. And for the dudes commenting about kicking your girls out, I’d smack your face off the way your mother should have when you were 10. Grow the F up.
So it’s OK if the man goes to work all day and then doesn’t help out with the children and house work? In a word, no. 63% of all house work and caring is done by women. If you added it all up we do a months extra work than the average man. Try reading the lazy husband book. It will help set things right. If not, leave him. You will get more free time than you do right now and a secure income for the next 18 years plus if you do it all yourself you will be less stressed trying to work out what he hasn’t done. Men are lazy, useless turds because we let them be. Don’t be a doormat if you don’t want to be. Just stop doing his washing and cooking. Sorry, didn’t have time with all that child care to do. My free time is not for going round doing the stuff he doesn’t want to do so he can sit on his ass doing sweet nothing. How is this fair? Go out more, leave him with the kids for a bit. Earn your own money and be with someone who treats you with respect and not as a servant.
My husband does things when asked to, but only to mess things up even more. He never does anything right. I ask him to do the laundry and he would wash his dirty socks with my clothes. I’ve had so many fights about being clean and doing it nicely…only to be disappointed. I am so tired of this, and the sad thing is that it’s only been a year since we got married!
I don’t agree with this method at all. I wonder if the woman who wrote this is even married and if so, she has to be in the early stages of her relationship. You can’t stereotype men like that! That’s not how men operate and another thing; bribing in your relationship to men or women is incredibly unhealthy, not to mention manipulative in more ways than one. If you’re seeking help from your spouse the best way is to be up front!
“Hey babe, I know you want a clean house and so do I; we share that common goal and I love that about us! What are some areas you would be willing to help out around the house so we can be accountable to each other and working towards this goal together? I know it’s not fun and it may be a struggle from time to time, but I know you will keep me accountable and I’ll do the same for you! Together, we can do anything! Including cleaning the house – lol.”
With that said, let him pick and whatever he picks (from a list of things that need to be done would be helpful so he can have a visual) let him have those things and let them alone. My husband picked the trash as one of his; he thought it would be easy and it is, as long as you stay on top of it – lol. Some days, it’s piled sky-high and when I can’t take it any more, I’ll say something like, “hey hun, lets take out the trash together so we can cuddle and watch a movie” or “Babe, I sure am exhausted. Any way my big strong hunk could help me out by taking out the trash? I’ll get the kids ready and tucked in, and when you get back, let’s play a video game together!” Mind you, I am not a video game fanatic – I really don’t enjoy playing at all and I’m not even good, but I figure if he can take out the trash and sacrifice something he doesn’t like doing for me, than I can do the same for him. It’s a win-win situation and were both happy.
Being in a relationship is all about putting the needs of the other person first and working for the common good of the relationship together. Marriage is hard. Inputs work, but it can also be rewarding when you stop stereotyping and start working together.
All of the comments saying, “but he works all day at a job to support you so you can clean,” would all be fine and dandy if we were in the ’50’s and every woman who wants help cleaning is a stay-at-home mom. What about those of us who also work 40-45 hour work weeks and understand coming home tired and stressed, but still manage to put the garbage in the trashcan and do something besides camp out in front of the computer.
My boyfriend is willing to help me clean up the house, but only when I direct him. In other words; he has little initiative. It is irritating to have to tell an adult man to pick up his wrappers and hang up his coat instead of throwing it, wet, on the floor.
It really is not too hard to keep your house clean as long as BOTH of you are vigilant. The bad part is that his messes end up becoming MY responsibility, and I have to spend hours cleaning everyday to account for his deficiencies. As a result, the house is perpetually messy, which stresses me out to no end because it is tiring picking up after him all the time; it makes the housework seem endless.
I’m going to try to give him little reminders in the moment when he can clean up, e.g.; “Okay, so you spilled chili powder all over the counter. Now clean it up instead of leaving it there!” I truly think he simply is not aware of messes; he doesn’t “see” them. Perhaps if I point out all the times that he could clean up, he’ll start to incorporate these habits into his “normal behavior” and it won’t be so arduous for him to clean.
The saying, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime” comes to mind. Instead of fighting with him over each incident and making him dread you and cleaning, slowly make cleaning a regular part of his life, and it’ll save both of you a lifetime’s worth of headaches.
I think many people are slobs because they were never required to clean up after themselves in childhood and they never learned how to clean. I am young (22) and many of my friends from university were students from international schools in Asia, where hired help is cheap. They never had to clean up after themselves a day in their life, and now that they have places of their own, they have no idea how to maintain a house or handle any responsibility. I was the one who had to teach many of them how to clean. Some of my friends didn’t know how to use a vacuum. My boyfriend still thinks it’s better to use the small tube to vacuum instead of the vacuum head. Another thing that frustrated me was when they would “clean” a table by sweeping off all the crumbs and dust onto the floor. That is not cleaning. That is called, “transferring the mess to somewhere else.”
I remember hating my mom when she made me do chores. Now I sing her praises, and thank God that I had her as a mother because I see the effects of not teaching a child to take responsibility for his/her environment.
I was dating my boyfriend for over seven years before we moved in together. He was neat and tidy at his moms. Moves in and is a total mess: clothes everywhere, dishes everywhere, there’s always food left out everywhere. It turns out his mom cleaned up after him and now I am expected to do his laundry, cook and clean for him. He may work 10 hour days, but I work two jobs and commute by bus and still cook, clean and do his laundry. I have asked him several times. Stopped cooking and cleaning for him. I really am sick of looking at his messes now. I am living with filth. Parents baby their kids too much. The machine does all the work; teach them to use it and fold and put away the clean clothes. It’s not rocket science, yet they can’t do it. I don’t want to do it, but if we just both worked on it together it wouldn’t be so terrible. I just can only imagine if I feel like this now at 25 without kids, what is it going to be like when I work all day and then have children too? I can’t imagine a life with someone who care barely pick up after himself, let alone him and children. Anyone have useful advice that doesn’t end in dirty or broken dishes and more fights. Holding out is stupid; I then suffer too.
I do not understand why a grown person would not want to clean up after themselves. It is not only inconsiderate to expect someone to be okay with sharing a space that is filthy, but it is also a health hazard (pollutants, bed bugs, moths, fruit flies, germs, diseases, viruses). I would not withhold food, sex, and/or the remote because I am trying to be evil. I would do it because I would not want to cook or eat in a nasty kitchen. I would not want to risk a stomach virus from salmonella poisoning because someone didn’t wipe down the counters after seasoning raw chicken. I would not want to be intimate with someone who “cleans” themselves in a dirty bathroom. How clean can you be washing in a dirty shower or tub and stepping in urine that failed to make it in the toilet? Furthermore, why would you want another person to view your waste? Some things are just TMI! That also does not put me in the mood in any way, shape or form. Lastly, I could not enjoy TV or video games and be comfortable sitting around and taking in the stench of dirty laundry, cigarette butts, trash, etc.
I deal with this from time to time, and I have communicated what my intentions and expectations are. I also follow through when my expectations are not met. I tell my BF that he has a choice and so do I. When the kitchen is not clean, I do not cook. It means he choses to take me out to eat or I go home to my own clean kitchen and cook for myself. When the bathroom is not clean, I do not use it. I leave the house because it means he chose not to have my company for the night. When the whole house is dirty, once again, I leave and do not come back until it is presentable. It means he chose to have some alone time and we can communicate over the phone if necessary.
I just feel I do not have the time and energy to pick up after or ask a grown person to pick up after themselves everyday. I feel if you communicate and let them know what your expectations are and what will happen when it is not met, there is nothing else you can do. There is no need to fight. You cannot change a person, only the way you react to them.
OK, all you guys who say that we women need to heap praise on our men, like they are little children or dogs, and that will magically make them comply…17 years of marriage; I do all the outside and inside chores. I have begged, pleaded, heaped praise, and still I get almost nothing. Only after huge blow-out fights did I get him to clean up his bodily waste from the toilet seat and bowl. He still leaves his clothes draped over the dining room chairs, he drops his underwear two inches from his hamper, he leaves dirty cutlery literally stuck to the kitchen counter when the sink is a foot away. NOW WHAT?? Come on men, make up another excuse about how I must not be asking him correctly.
This is such a bunch of crap. It is totally disrespectful to trash what another person has put forth the effort to clean. It is passive-aggressive disrespect to do so for almost two decades.
On the weekends, do I REALLY have to ask that you do the dishes, since half of the mess is yours? Do I really have to ask you to run a vacuum once in awhile? Can you give me 20 minutes of your time on the weekend to do SOMETHING??
You say you will do your laundry, but then Sunday night comes and it is almost time for bed and—surprise—you haven’t done it! Infantile ridiculousness. Men, you should not ever expect to be asked to do so something you should just be doing. You all cannot be that dense. You are being dense by choice, and sheer laziness. Those of you that are guilty as charged ought to be ashamed.
You women are so self-absorbed it’s insane. You perceive him not cleaning as disrespect. If two people have differing standards on ANYTHING, it’s completely unreasonable for one to hold the other to their standard. If neatness is such a priority to you (but not for him), you need to provide some sort of incentive for him to maintain your standard of doing things. To think that failure to meet your standards is disrespectful is ridiculous and selfish. It’s like me saying that not swallowing during fellatio is disrespectful to me because that is my standard for a blow job. You women are lucky that your men just ignore your naggy bitchy BS. I’d knock you right off your pedestal and smash it to bits so you could never get on it again (at least with me).
I’m not like most women who have the perfect man and complain about all the little things their hardworking husbands and boyfriends do. My boyfriend works four hours a week, leaving me to work crazy hours, pay for the house, maid, food, everything actually. All I would like is for him to wash the dishes every now and then, take his beer bottles and put them in the bin and lastly bring me his dirty washing so I can clean it. I have tried doing it on his behalf, speaking to him nicely about it and even the most extreme not doing any of it at all. I mean I will let the dishes pile up until there are none to cook in or put food on, until he has no clothes to wear and can’t find any of his belongings. Truth is I think some mothers are to blame for this as they let their kids get away with it; worst of all to blame are boarding schools where they have “skivs” doing it all for them. I need advice on what to do, I don’t want this to be a long term problem; I want a happy healthy living household with my man.
Don’t move in; stay in separate homes.
I love the way this was written; very humorous!
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and it is my first serious relationship. I believe he is my match even though he is a slob. He has four children part time and they are also quite untidy. I understand that young children make messes, but his children are old enough to know better. He has always had his mother/ex clean up after him. His children are picking up his bad habits and I am now seriously considering breaking up with him due to this laziness. I am not a neat freak, but it is unfair that I spend hours cleaning, sorting and organizing his house and a day later when I come over the house is messy again. What I mean by mess is towels on the floor, kitchen a mess, clothes all over the floor, rubbish scattered over the bench top when the bin is only a meter away, toilet roll all undone on the ground surrounded by empty toilet rolls.
I am learning to accept that I am dating a man with children and am happily adjusting to that. I am really torn, as this is the only guy I have ever fallen for so I feel as though I should just put up with the mess, but I can not get over this issue. I give him my body whenever he wants it and he looks after me emotionally, so why can’t he respect me enough to pick up after himself? It really hurts me and he knows this. I think it’s best that I move on even though I love him. It is much better to be alone.
Maybe I’m coming across as one of those “princess” types, but seriously, “your enemy?” He’s supposed to be your spouse, not your enemy. You should be able to ask him to do chores around the house, because he is a grown man. If you feel that you have to destroy his property in order to get him to help around the house, you need to see a counselor. It means you have some serious communication issues if you can’t say, “Honey, would you please take out the garbage for me?” without promising something in return.
Although I am in grad school and I work, I realize that I have somewhat more free time in the home than my husband does. As such, I don’t mind cleaning up and cooking and such (I’m also weird and kind of enjoy cleaning, but that’s another matter). On his days off, when I am on campus all day, he makes sure the house is tidy and dinner is made. When baby comes, we have already delegated baby chores and will split up the housework accordingly. It’s called being in a partnership, which is what marriage is supposed to be. Not bribery and threats.
I’m hoping this post was made in jest and that women will not take it under serious advisement. Also, I hope men realize that not all women play these silly childish mind games.
Thank you! I agree, should be a partnership and men should not say to their partner, ‘you are ocd or you act like my mother, relax, just relax’. Instead, I feel so much pressure and anxiety when I go home after working and he is on his phone playing games…the laundry is not done, dishes, wrappers on counter, but in his mind, I should relax and ‘let it be’. I was raised with chores as a kid…age 8. JUST PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF is all I ask!
This is one reason why I love being single and living in my own home. I’ve been in two long term, live-in relationships. I will never share another living space. It’s really very simple–if you make a mess, clean it up so I don’t have to. I do not like being a man’s house servant. Apparently, that makes me a neurotic shrew. And that’s fine. If someone wants to be a pig, they have every right to live however they want…but it will not be with me. I hate constantly having to clean up after a man. I’m not their mother or their maid. That’s one of the primary things I find objectionable about living with men.
I left a comment on the first of January. I have more to add. Today, my boyfriend had the day off and said he wanted to spend it with me. Of course, I was delighted about this. I said, “well let’s wash the sheets today” (as they had love stains on them). He said he would help, but messed around for so long when I just wanted to get it done promptly. I then said look I will do them as long as you can vacuum the bedroom please. He agreed and finally got around to it. I was resting after cleaning up around the house for the last 45 minutes and heard him turn the vacuum on. He did a quick once over and he was done. It was such a slack effort.
I understand it was his day off, but it needed to be done and doesn’t take long, but why did he do such a shit job? Is it –
A- He doesn’t know how to do it?
B- He thinks that’s how it’s done?
C- He doesn’t care?
It really hurts my feelings when he can’t even do a small thing like that. I don’t ask much of him. I cleaned up after him all day and asked can you help me put the sheets on the bed as it would make it a lot easier if we did it together. He said he would help, but feel asleep so I just did it, woke him up and said I am going. I also cleaned up after his kids and made up their beds too. I can not be in an untidy environment, so we didn’t even end up spending any time together, as he wouldn’t help me. I try to communicate with him about this issue, but he doesn’t seem to think he is a slob. I really think I am being fair and want to do my part in his household, but not everything all the time as he always does a half arse job of it.
Can anyone give me some real advice? Why is he like this and is there any hope in this relationship? Should this bother me so much? Should I break up with him? Please help.
Thanks.
This is the first link I read after googling, “How do I get my boyfriend to rinse his dishes.”
What a load of crap that I just read… The comments should have been what showed up on my search engine! It’s too bad I can’t talk to Lindsay above me, or any of the other women! Satirical or not, this is a fictional approach. Terrible advice.
Been withholding! Have gone on strike. He tells to clear his plate from the table, but not so; *D*H doesn’t pick his own up and leaves the table and his dish behind. REFUSES to help around the house because he has “a REAL job.” (I am up at 5 to be at a health care job at 7 where I am on my feet all day and on my feet at home until 10 at night). Striking just makes more mess for me to clean after a week and the house looks like a frat house. SO ANGRY and so at a loss, but of course the no sex thing is MY fault!!! ARGH!!!
Hi, It’s Lindsay again.
I have posted twice lately and I really just need to get this off my chest. Today is Valentine’s day and I didn’t receive anything as my partner doesn’t believe in it. Is it wrong that I feel a little hurt by this? I said I didn’t care about Valentines day as I didn’t want to force him into getting me anything. I was hoping he would possibly write me a special note, tell me how he thinks I am special or possibly let me pick a romcom to watch. Is that to much to ask? He does take me out for dinner and pays, but it is always casual and he just sees it as let’s quickly eat and go. We both don’t cook often. I just would love a little romance and appreciation. Do I have to tell him that I expect a night off?
Instead of any sweet simple gesture he could of done, I ended up picking up after him and his kids. I told him to please be organised tonight, please clear the table as I just wanted to relax with him and his kid, but he couldn’t do it. That’s all I want really is to feel special for this one night. I am really hurt, but feel like I have no right to say anything as I politely said “I don’t need anything for Valentine’s Day.”
I am adjusting to dating a man with children and try my best to always give him what he wants sexually. I groom myself and spend a lot of time making myself pretty for him. He does appreciate that, but I feel so unappreciated and feel like he doesn’t listen to me. I do it all and get very little in return.
I will talk to him about all of these issues, but I am scared. I feel like I have brought a lot of these issues up. He doesn’t understand me at all. I am not enjoying myself anymore. This is just too hard. This was the first time I had a BF and I don’t think it can do this anymore. I need to way up the pros and cons.
Thanks for reading this.
My thought is if the man isn’t willing to help out with anything, then he has no say in how it gets done. I’m getting a maid and he’s flat out refused. He’s resorting to bullying, threatening, intimidating and ultimatums. He says I’m disrespecting him by “going behind his back” though I told him straight out I want a maid. He refuses to see that his refusal to help and clean up after himself is disrespecting me. At this point, I don’t give a crap anymore. I’m getting the maid and if he leaves then so be it. I will have a clean house, no ungrateful slob taking advantage of me and if needed, a fully charged toy. Can someone explain to me what the purpose of his presence in the house is for if he doesn’t contribute to the bills, cleaning or cooking?
OMG… It’s like we are married to the same person…
I hear you Sherri! You have to do what makes you happy and healthy. If he doesn’t respect the way you feel, it’s best he just leaves as you both will never be truly content. Why can’t partners understand that they need to work together to make a relationship sustainable? It takes two to tango and your partner is being very selfish and unreasonable.
You ‘ladies’ do NOTHING ALL DAY LONG… you do it!
I agree that work around the house should be shared, each partner needs to clean up after themselves. However, I believe these tips are bad advice and are a recipe for a failed relationship. Also, if you are a lady that insists men should do dishes, laundry, etc., in turn you must be willing to do things normally labeled as men’s jobs. I have to go in the crawl space under our house this week to repair a leaking drain from the toilet. Is it ok to expect my wife to get under the house in raw sewage with me since I just swept, vacuumed, did dishes and started laundry? And if we hear a window or door being jimmied open in the night, can I say, “It’s your turn to see what it is – I got it last week”?
For all these men on here that don’t understand. You must NOT love your wives or girlfriends enough to help out. You should all live together in your own filth and have to pay for your women. That’s the life for you. So why get in a relationship with someone you supposedly love? No, I didn’t know how my husband was until I married him. I never went over to his place…ever. Now I know why…his brother admitted to me (three years after we were married ) that when he obtained my husband’s room after he went away to college, his brother wished that he had a bulldozer and rebuilt it; it was that bad. I should have known how lazy he was about it all after we got married and he showed up with a couple of suitcases and a lamp (an ugly one at that). It’s been seven years and no difference. I worked two jobs and killed myself when I came home to a mess all the time. Thank God no kids. I was exhausted and I hurt my back…I’m on disability now. My doctor asked if I lifted small trucks for a living since my back is so messed up doing everything a man should do as well as cleaning, cooking, mowing, lifting, etc. Soon I won’t be able to walk…you think he cares…but yet…he wonders why we can’t have nice things and why our house can’t look like so and so’s house. Grrr…idiot. I’m so mad.
Why is this guide only aimed at getting guys to clean stuff up? What about when a woman leaves a mess (say leaving the bathroom covered in bottles of beauty supplies)? Is it okay for the husband to drop her book in a vase of water if she doesn’t listen? Yes, I know that this guide is satirical, but it seems that in real life we are more likely to hear about angry wives breaking their husbands stuff than the other way around. This is wrong. We shouldn’t be more accepting of female destruction than male destruction.
The women posting in here who are amused by the fact that men are “mad” at the author are just as off-base as the author herself. Retaliating against your man by withholding sex or food is a 1st-class ticket to divorce court. He’s a slob? He doesn’t care? Point well taken. And if you retaliate the way this article describes, that makes you 10 times worse.
Plus, it does NOT address the problem. If your man is a Neanderthal who will only do the right thing to get you in the sack, then you are not going to be able to make him keep your house tidy. You might be able to pull off a 1 for 1 trade to get him to pick up his socks or clean out the garage, but overall, your house will still be a mess.
If your spouse won’t change because you tell them that the mess makes you very unhappy, then you are done for. Plain and simple. When a spouse can no longer do basic things to please their mate, it’s over.
There should be your space and his space, where he is allowed to be sloppy. But it cannot spill out into the “communal” space. If he has a workshop, or a bookshelf by his bed, that he likes to keep a mess, you should try to accept that. But if his shoes, coat, mail, and other junk are all over the living room and your bedroom, you have a right to demand some cleanup.
Once again: Put it in reasonable, practical terms like this.
If he really doesn’t care, even when you talk it over like this, then it really is over and you both may as well face it.
For six years, I have put up with bull. He doesn’t clean up at all. I am tired of picking up clothes and food and trash nine times a day behind him and I am tired of keeping this 5 bedroom 4 full bath house clean. He sits around and give orders all day and lets his friends come over and talk to me any kind of way. I get back at him and his friends sometimes; I won’t let them in the house. I have gone on strike now. I hate it. I won’t cook or wash his clothes anymore or clean his area. I am tired of him being so junky and messing up all the bathrooms. I only clean my area and clothes. He thinks it’s ok and it’s not. I can’t have my family or friends over because of this. I don’t even sleep in our new king bed anymore because when I wash the sheets, he spills stuff in the bed every night. Just nasty and lazy. I am fed up with his mess.
It’s funny; I have the same complaint, but for my wife. How can I tell her to clean the kitchen after herself in a way that’s not, “clean your own mess you dirty b****!”
To all you girls out there complaining about having a slob for a man that you love, easy: shut up and deal with it.
If you loved yourself properly, you wouldn’t settle for a slob. If your not married, just break up with him. If you can’t because you love him, then maybe your afraid of being single.
If it’s not important to him, it’s not important to you.
If you make your own money, move on with life or waste it being a miserable couple.
If you’re married and unsatisfied with your slob spouse, just take a break. What’s the worst that happens; he hires a maid and a hooker to replace you? Obviously that’s all you were to him in the first place so know your worth.
Stop wasting your time on these children in adult bodies.
Happily divorced for four years. Now, I only have to clean up after myself. All the things my man did take me less time then what I was having to do for him (or pick up after him). Re-marriage is not for me. You marry one person and they become another. I am a firm believer in his and hers – his hut, her hut – he takes care of his hut and she her hut. At the beginning of the night, we go out to eat so that someone else can clean and cook, middle of the evening we go dancing or someplace where a mess can be made (he can piss on the floor all he wants) and it is someone else’s problem, not mine and when he or I go home in the morning, we have to put on all the cloths that were taken off (usually works that way). After having been the provider, maid, and mommy for 30 years, I feel that this alternative couple lifestyle will help me live longer with less stress of dealing with someone that does not share the same values and cleanliness. Am I worried about being lonely? No. Marriage is the most lonely thing there is, especially when there is bickering, fighting, and generally a lack of cohesion on the home front. So best to expend all your energies at work (I can provide for my own retirement) and play and then share a little time together, after which each can return to their respective huts that are kept in the manner that suits them.
I never played any of the above aforementioned “games” until the last two years of our marriage. Frankly, it was great fun. Games are fun when you choose to game another. Being gamed is not fun. Having spent 30 years of hearing, “I forgot; I didn’t have time; oops,” (games), it was truly fun running the same game on him and it truly pissed him off. I forgot to do your laundry. 🙂 I cooked, I cleaned, I worked a 60 hour work week, put hubby through college, put three daughters through college, managed the home all under $100K so… ladies, take your well-deserved break from the games, but before you do, enjoy giving a few back; it will put a smile on your face. I wished now, I had done the games earlier in my marriage as it would have ended much faster; no sense in anyone wasting time on something that is doomed to fail eventually. So… if you have a man that won’t help, it is doomed, you might as well get it over and enjoy playing a few games on him in the process – but remember it isn’t a game to get him to help, it is a game to get the relationship ended, so keep your cool and when the game get’s too hot, leave. The biggest lesson in the leaving, be ready emotionally for it by turning off your emotions; you are not losing anything worth keeping, things are not going to get better so… turn your emotions off, which will allow you to just enjoy sticking it to the person who is sticking it to you. 🙂 Best not to do this too long as it will escalate, he will not take the crap for very long (he won’t take it as long as he has dished it out to you, you will not get away with doing this for years and truly the house won’t remain standing either; remember – check the emotions – you aren’t losing much of anything so don’t get caught up in feelings). So enjoy a stick-it-to-him, then dump, and run. All of my stick-it-to-him actions came from men. Men know how to play games, and they play a lot of them, so don’t spend too much time playing games because he can out game you unless you are truly good at getting your emotions/feelings under control. Have a little fun, then leave. My life as a single woman is much richer, better, and I have more time for me then I did ever in married life and I am no longer the maid to a lazy, selfish person.
I liked what Mr Guy wrote. Pretty much at the point in time you are with someone who truly no longer cares about what is important to you and vise versa, the relationship is over. For MOST women, the home is where her heart is, so if a man is unwilling and unwittingly does not help her to achieve her desires there, she will be miserable. Likewise for MOST men, work is where his heart is and if a woman unwilling and unwitting doesn’t help him to achieve his desires, he will be miserable. Misery does not produce happy people. Marriage is about the other person. If you are pissing on the other person’s desires because they aren’t important to you, you will soon find yourself embroiled in a fight that you are both going to lose and be miserable. So… any relationship with a person who does not respect your desires, end it; the sooner the better. When it comes to respecting other’s desires, you may need to learn to do this if you want a successful relationship.
I have posted way too much on this topic, but when it comes to praising your man for taking care of his messes, well, even a man eventually can’t hear it. Praise does not work for taking care of every day stuff a person should be doing. After awhile it sounds like hallow BS. Stroking a person’s ego for stuff they should be doing, eventually produces other problems. So if you have to dangle a carrot to get a person to pick up after themself, the relationship is doomed, so get it over with rather than dragging it out. This is about maturity versus raising a child that is getting over on you. 🙂 (Is the carrot big enough, will you perform a better blow job to reward them for picking up after themself, etc. If you end up having to perform something for them to pick up after themself, kind of reminds me of a three-year-old; after you pick up your room we will go get ice cream). You will be happier not in an immature relationship. If you are a young woman reading through all these threads, don’t waste 30 years of your life thinking it will get better; what you’re seeing and experiencing is as good as it is going to get; you can piss and moan, give rewards, etc., and tomorrow you will start the cycle all over again. So… you can choose to stay or you can choose to go; that is the only thing you have control over.
Nancy, your advice is the best on here. I refuse to stroke a guys ego or cock for doing the normal adult day-to-day things that able-bodied people should do to like cleaning up after themselves. I’m not a spotless clean freak. I’m not cleaning crevices with a toothbrush. But if I spill something, or I use the stove and make a freaking mess on it—-I clean it. I hate cleaning up an adult’s nasty messes. He’s disgusting. He has great physical hygiene–keeps his body very clean. But he’s pig around the house. He makes such a huge mess just doing something simple like making a sandwich. And. Then. He. Leaves it there. It is disgusting, especially when he sees I just cleaned the kitchen. It takes an arrogant pig to do that.
So, it’s about two things. 1 is the mess itself–it’s gross to live that way. 2 is the fact that if they really respected you, they would at least meet you halfway and not expect you to be their maid. So, look a little deeper beyond just the mess and look at other areas of your relationship. Chances are he takes a shit on you in other areas of life too.
In fact, I would go so far to say that being gross is good good indicator that a guy isn’t going to work out. (If you value cleanliness at all.) When you see it, tell him. If he doesn’t change (which I can guarantee you he won’t), then leave and let him find a pig like himself to live with. Because I can promise you that if he won’t work with you on something so simple as cleaning up after himself…he’s going to let you down in other ways too.
I’m at the 8-year mark with a selfish messy pig. It’s eight years wasted on aggravation. I’m done. I wish I got out sooner.
FOR: MESE
MESE SAYS:
MAY 9, 2014 AT 9:35 PM
For six years, I have put up with bull. He doesn’t clean up at all. I am tired of picking up clothes and food and trash nine times a day behind him and I am tired of keeping this 5 bedroom 4 full bath house clean. He sits around and give orders all day and lets his friends come over and talk to me any kind of way. I get back at him and his friends sometimes; I won’t let them in the house. I have gone on strike now. I hate it. I won’t cook or wash his clothes anymore or clean his area. I am tired of him being so junky and messing up all the bathrooms. I only clean my area and clothes. He thinks it’s ok and it’s not. I can’t have my family or friends over because of this. I don’t even sleep in our new king bed anymore because when I wash the sheets, he spills stuff in the bed every night. Just nasty and lazy. I am fed up with his mess.
My mother would tell me stories like this and how she delt with it. She went through the same thing as far as him bringing home drinking buddies and expected her to be a good hostess; i.e cooking for all of them and serving drinks. She didn’t like it when he did that and had told him how it made her feel. He didn’t care and kept doing it. So, she was fed up and decided that taking action was best. She was going to fix his wagon. She got all dressed up. He came home late again from work with his drinking buddies and expected her to roll out the red carpet for him and his pals. -Begrudgingly, she did so with a smile and while being extra nice to his friends. She cooked for them and showed them extra attention in front him. She served them dinner with an extra serving and even made dessert. His drinking buddies noticed and complimented him on having such a beautiful wife who can cook. They started to take a liking to my mother. The look on his face was probably priceless. As she describes it, “if looks could kill.” He was so freaking jealous.
That was the end of that. He never brought any of his buddies home with him again.
I would rather address the situation first by communication before having to take action, but sometimes this seems like the only way they get an understanding. 🙁
Married 21 years and still love my wife, but, she has become a slob. She never really was a great housekeeper, but when her mother passed away six years ago, she really laid down. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect her to do everything, but I expect her to help. We both work. I take care of five acres, all the vehicles and pay all of the bills. I do my own laundry weekly (she kept letting clothes sour in the washer). I clean up after myself. I empty my plates and put my clothes in the hamper.
She leaves dirty dishes everywhere. She only does her laundry when she runs out of clothing. Dishes sometimes go for a week. Now, don’t say “then do the dishes,” because we tried that. When we first got married, I did a lot of cooking. When the meal was done, the kitchen was clean. It got to the point every time I tried to do something in the kitchen, I had to clean up after her. I now stay out of the kitchen and when it gets too dirty, I go someplace else to eat.
I don’t have time to take care of the outside and the whole inside, so I offered to hire a housekeeper. She said no, she didn’t want anyone touching her stuff. I can pay someone to take care of the outside, vehicles, etc… but it would cost a lot more than a housekeeper.
I do understand anyone’s frustration with a nasty spouse. I wouldn’t expect someone to want to have sex with me if I was nasty. Sexually, my wife has become very unattractive because all I can see is how little she cares about our home and herself. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried to talk to her, but it does no good.
This article is horrid.
It is basically advocating sexual prostitution; you don’t ‘have sex’ and ‘do sexual things’ with a guy to get something, you do it because of satisfaction, love, passion.
This is exactly why women are sexually taken advantage of daily here in society. You are basically saying that, as a woman, you are a sexual object. Ugh, gross. I didn’t even want to read past the first section.
This article is horrible and promotes gender stereotypes. Women make messes too, and some men don’t care much about sex.
True; both men and women can be messey. But let’s face it, in general, men tend to be dirtier and messier than women. Here’s what I’ve noticed about the men I’ve lived with. Living with men means more work and hassle for me. So far, my cleanliness standards have been far above the men I’ve lived with. So, to have my home the way I like it with a man in it means at least twice the housework for me. I’ve never lived with a man who vacuumed, dusted, or cleaned kitchens and bathrooms…yet. They use all of these spaces, often dirtying them far worse than I do. My cleanliness and cleaning standards are higher. That means to have the house how I want it, I end up cleaning it. I also end up buying the cleaning supplies.
Living with men is more expensive for me. Every time I’ve lived with a man, I end up buying the lion’s share of the groceries. The guys I’ve lived with would buy a sack of potatoes, some onions, a bag of chips, and some bread and call it good. I always found myself buying and preparing the seafood and organic veggies that I like…and they are happy to eat it, but don’t ever go out and buy it. This one thing I really hate about living with men. I go out and buy the quality, costly food that I like only to find it gone in a few days. I seriously hate that.
So, to you women who think that a cohabitation situation is financially beneficial for you, really tally things up and take an analytical look at it. My guess is that when you factor in your time and the food and supplies, you probably end up buying…living with a man is more expensive than you think. The question then is if having the galut around is worth the cost to you. And frankly, for me, it never has been. I love living alone!!!!
When I want my husband to do something, I simply treat it like he’s already going to do it and make it a choice so he feels like he has some say. For example, I need the laundry and dishes done and I won’t do them both, so I simply say, “Do you want to do the dishes OR the laundry?” He usually picks the dishes because he thinks they are the easiest task…and I get help with the housework!
I will never marry as I don’t want to spend my life picking up after a man. I enjoy male company, but have no desire to become anyone’s skivvy or ‘mommy’. Unfortunately, us women are responsible for how men behave. Mothers don’t involve their male children in housework the same way they do their daughters and allow them to grow into adulthood thinking cleaning and taking care of men is a woman’s job! Tried living with men, but it just did my head in. I live alone now and wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s great.
Every day of my life, I have lists of chores that I need to get done to keep this home from becoming the bachelor nest my husband occupied in the 20 years before we met: a dark, cluttered, dusty hole with a wall of computers and technology on one side and a pile of clean and dirty laundry and motorcycle gear on the other. Every day I find my lists getting in arrears because I have to stop at item 3 (out of 20) to pick up after him, clean a mess he made or ignored, search for a tool or basic house supply that wasn’t put away, etc.
And, yes, as we made the sets of decisions to share a home together; we had extensive discussions of this issue. For about a year, he kept up. Then he started slacking off. He had an office in our first two houses, and the agreement was, he could do whatever he wanted there. I had an office too, though over time it ended up that more and more shared functions (pet care, cleaning tools, evening socialization) happened there, while his office turned into a dark, cluttered, dusty hole with a wall of computers on one side and…you get the picture. Eventually we did away with offices altogether because his was just a pile of crap. This means a) I have no space in our house that’s just mine while b) his stuff sprawls all over every room. My efforts to keep things organized–a place for everything, everything in its place–while also flexible and creative come to nothing about 60% of the time.
I think that men at root don’t care about us; they care about the reactions of other men, the attention they get from them. They don’t care if we’re upset, except if it’s inconvenient for them because what they want is to be constantly patted on the head and approved of. And of course they care about getting the approving/worshipful attention of younger, more impressionable women.
Keeping a man’s attention constant is impossible because so very few–maybe one in 25,000–is capable of that. An attentive, home-valuing man is as rare as an IQ of 140 and over. I’ve come to view the valuing of an organized, healthful, civilized homelife as a form of social intelligence as rare as genius IQ. It is the linchpin of so much good in the world…and, like IQ, everywhere you go, people are trying to destroy it.
After 15 years in our current house, I finally snapped and told him that the problem we were dealing with was, at the level of hardwiring, he is, quite simply, a slob. He got SO ANGRY about that. He has acted immature, snippy, and disrespectful to me ever since. That indicates to me that not only doesn’t he comprehend how important this issue is to me, he doesn’t care. His little boy ego is more important to him, still, after all these years.
I figure it’s like trying to get certain demographics not to litter, or not to leave junk cars on their front lawns, or not to pollute the water, or to put their children first. It’s hopeless. But at least where littering and pollution and child neglect are concerned, we can pass laws and call the cops if someone breaks them. There is no legal redress whatsoever for the situation of males who turn their and their families’ homes into biohazards, trip hazards, etc. In fact they feel entitled to do this.
I concur with everyone who noted that men are largely indifferent to how important an orderly, organized, civilized home is to an intelligent, productive, healthy, and creative woman. We can call this them being immature, or slobs, or whatever. But I’ve concluded that it is a rare man indeed who realizes that one of the main engines of civilization is an orderly, clean, healthy, well functioning, attractive home, no matter how small or humble that home is. Rarer still to find a man who acts on that realization by doing the tedious, repetitive work of life with an eye to its bigger meaning.
Men seem drawn to women who are chaotic, mentally ill, criminal, slovenly, bimbos, etc. I hear men complain all the time that they “can’t find a good woman,” but they never stop and think about what is it in them that makes a good woman flee the county when they approach her. Men genuinely think nothing is their fault, that they are perfect, that they are entitled, that it’s everyone’s job to give them food, sex, and status…while they just suck it up like pashas. So no wonder throwing their clothes around the room/peeing on the floor is what they do. They don’t value civilization. 90 percent or more may be genomically incapable of it.
Then, they all get on the internet, on the “new misogyny” sites, and complain how women don’t want them, and how wrong those b****es are for not seeing how incredibly valuable these slovenly, self-centered sperm providers are. It’s painful to see that–to see how men degrade themselves by acting out the very role (drones and gamete donors) that you’d think they’d want to evolve past. Then blaming women for seeing this clearly.
I have gotten to the point where I see this as symptomatic of pretty much everything else going wrong in our civilization–i.e., that the men who SHOULD care about tending that civilization, its families, homes, and communities, its relationships and chores, have abrogated their role and duties. They care more about the corporate products (cable TV, video games, internet distractions) engineered to hijack their attention and give them pellets for pushing buttons. My father’s generation (WWII) seemed to be so much more mature in their home and family lives. My dad had nothing to do with housework…but he also didn’t consider it his entitlement to leave socks in the living room, etc. My mother was in charge of that, and he followed the schedules and rules she set down.
I concluded that my husband treats housework and home projects the way he treats television. Born in 1961, he is one of the members of the first “raised by TV” generation. He loses interest in everything he starts in a fit of extreme interest/engagement…then never finishes anything. It always stops at about 90% completion, then he shifts to something else. There is something immature about this, and about the refusal or inability to step back and see the larger picture.
I will work and spend and labor to create a space of order in our home, where I can sit or stand to do my own creative or professional projects. Inside of a month, it will be cluttered with his stuff. We have a bathroom piled with stuff, a project room piled with stuff, a project room closet piled with stuff, a library piled with stuff, a huge garage piled with stuff, an outbuilding piled with stuff. When I point to any part of it and ask him to pick up after himself, he looks at me with a combination of manly affront and little boy helplessness (most distasteful, btw), and says, “Where do you want me to put it”?” Believe it or not, I have somehow managed, these past 25 years, to restrain myself from telling him exactly where to put it all.
But I am, I think, at my breaking point. I’m deciding whether to ask him to move out, or for me to make that leap. All the things I’ve ever done for the house, I’ve never resented. I have always felt I am creating something wonderful in this life of travail, pain, and chaos. I always dreamed of having a little home where everything my parents’ generation worked and sacrificed for could be treasured: order, cleanliness, health, safety, liberty, beauty, family history, new experiences, the culture of one’s people. So precious. So rare.
I am coming to see that their values are dying out, replaced instead by a bunch of male, and increasingly female, human pigeons who peck at electronic buttons to get a pellet of brain stimulation from the corporate matrix/borg.
Thank you for this chance to vent. As I puzzle through my choices, I feel a huge ache, laying to rest my lifelong dream of homelife. I realize that it is gone, an artifact of a bygone time, like being able to leave the front door unlocked, or trusting a stranger, or letting one’s children play without constant supervision, or drinking from a mountain stream. Savagery and chaos are winning. And our men are on the front lines of turning civilization over to barbarians. Good lord, how can men who can’t even pick up their own socks be expected to stand up for the greatest civilization humans ever had the gift of living within?
Very eloquently said and yes, so very common.
Mine says it is MY choice to cook and he does not ask me to do so. Therefore it is his choice to not wash up after I cook or when on the very rare occasion he cooks (once every four months), he leaves the mess for me to clean up.
I to have been married for 25 years and I am contemplating the same thing of seperation for my sanity. Everytime I look at him it’s in disgust now. Not good. He goes out of his way to start something then leaves it all there in a f…. mess for me to finish and clean up. I want to throw up he makes me sick.
I’ve been fighting with my husband for years over this issue. He leaves a mess everywhere! I actually think his hobby is making a mess; I think he derives some pleasure out it it. I haven’t been able to solve the problem, and I’m not going to play mind games with him, so I just let him continue to make a mess and I clean. But on the upside, when I’m fatigued from house chores, I go to my 23-year-old lover’s apartment and let him pamper me. Oh, and of course his apartment is always spotless; I taught him to be respectful of himself. If men don’t learn to clean up after themselves early in life ladies, they never will. In the meantime, find happiness where you can and let your husband live in his filth.
I love you.
I love you too!!!!! You are amazing!
I am in dire straits over this problem too – left mess to bild up; screamed at him and pleaded to no avail.
Best thing to do is cut him off from your company for a short while, and then explain just how mad you are at him when you are a lot calmer. Leave big massive notices on kitchen cupboard doors about what needs doing and offer a reward for efforts – works tremendously well I have been told, but I will soon see if this does or doesn’t work for me.
Oh my God I am not the only one!! I love my boyfriend; he is a lovely man. He does some chores, but he is nevertheless a P-I-G pig. He puts nothing away. I am starting to hate him for it. I know he is this way because his mother did EVERYTHING for him. Their whole family sits while she does all the housework and she is pushing 80 (and she did work). I used to live with my brother who did ZERO housework. My parents were pretty enlightened yet they managed to teach the boys that cleaning was beneath them. Face it- women have been raised for generations to revolve their entire lives around marriage.
This is one reason why I will never marry. I’ve tried living with men and I can’t stand the mess. Most of them are such gross pigs and so much damned extra work for me that I’d rather just put that energy into my career. Those little resentments build up to the point where, truth be told, many couples hate each other after five years–at least most of the couples I know anyway. I’m very glad that I live in a time and in a culture/country that allows me to have a career, own my own property, and fend for myself.
BULL. Just a little reminder… Go ahead, withhold instead of talking and compromise. That really works–NOT. If you withhold sex and food, you may find that he simply finds it elsewhere. There are food places all over town. And nearly as many ways to get sex outside the home. Basically, it sounds like many of you women are pissed because the men you have picked out are idiots. Guess what. You picked him. Either live with him or leave him. STOP trying to change him. Men do not change because you tell them too. They change only if they WANT to change. And an angry wife is nothing to come home too. You can’t bully him into it.
Talk to your “other half.” Please note the word “half.” It takes two to make it work. Not just you telling him what to do. The idea of a “honey do list” is ridiculous. If you have talked to him like an adult and he still refuses to help with the problem, then visit the lawyer’s office down the street and start the paperwork to move on with your life. Stop trying to change him and change yourself.
And for all those saying that “all” men are slobs. I hate to tell you, but that is like saying all women are perfect. Sorry, that is not true. No matter how much you wish it were so.
Consider this: If he is not putting in effort to make you happy, then way is he still there? And why are you still there?
There are plenty of men out there that like a clean, orderly home. Go find one of them.
This is based on the premise that the man wants sex. Mine hasn’t for over a decade. He doesn’t want sex, he does the cooking in the house, and he pretty much controls the controller.
He agreed he’d clean his kitchen, but never does and I have the -huge- house.
I can’t coerce him to do anything. I can’t change him, and he can’t change me. He leaves his clothes and dishes all over, and expects me to pick up after him and clean house. I wonder why I should do anything if he can’t even pick up after himself. If he showed respect by picking up his crap, maybe I could care too. Eh.
Sander….you make it sound so easy to just go out and find a guy who isn’t a pig. The problem is that most people put their best foot forward so we don’t really see what we are getting until it’s too late. We all do it in new relationships. The problem is that some people do it to the extreme and end up misleading their partner by pretending early on to be something they are not. My ex pretended to be clean to win me, but I soon found out what a filthy disgusting pig he really is.
I have never lived with another in a romantic relationship. However, I have shared with male relatives. My two uncles and I decided to rent out and share the three-bedroom house of my aunt (their sister). We were each responsible for paying our own rent directly to my aunt. However, we shared the common areas. I recall suggesting that we discuss the sharing of household chores prior to sharing the tenancy. I was ignored. The problems began as soon as we moved into the single-family house. One of my uncles has allergies, so he had no problem cleaning. It was troublesome to get my other relative to clean. One of the things I really disliked was mopping the kitchen floor only to see dirt and polish marks appear within a day or two. Asking them politely was not working. I became fed-up and resorted to psychology. I decided to refrain from mopping the kitchen floor. I would instead wait for one of them (my uhh uncles) to take the initiative. My hypothesis was that each person has a level at which something (a state, condition, or situation) becomes noticeable and then uncomfortable and finally intolerant or inconvenient for their personality. It is at this level that they will act to return it to a state of personal comfort (not tolerance).
Several weeks into the implementation of my strategy (during which I was on several occasions tempted to give up and take up that mop) I began to hear comments about the condition of the floor. I, of course, agreed about the condition and its need for a cleaning, but gave no indication that I would take the responsibility of cleaning it. Then, I came home from work one afternoon. And what do you know? The kitchen floor was mopped! And by the relative who usually did no household cleaning. I decided to leave that chore to him upon the belief that people value, take better care, and are more cognizant of that over which they have labored. It has worked. He now regularly mops the kitchen floor and is more careful of dirt or food falling upon it.
The funny aspect aside, living together/sharing anything is serious business. And so, expectations and responsibilities should be discussed in a serious and business-like manner before the sharing begins. Each person should clearly express/articulate his interests and expectations regarding the shared item. Know what benefits and burdens each person envisions. Leave romance (and family togetherness in my case) out of it at this stage. Then, you can create and agree upon a workable plan. Above all, make sure the person intend to share with is reliable. If the person you intend to share with is reliable (especially regarding things that bring them no benefit) then that person will likely keep to the plan/agreement.
In grad school, working out a cleaning schedule was a great help to my flatmates and I (all females). None of us were extremely neat btw. But, we respected each other and the shared space.
My relationship with my relative who did not help with the cleaning suffered in the first couple of years. I despised his selfishness. Because I believe that any relationship of genuine laughter and friendship needs a foundation of mutual respect, and because I felt disrespected for and disrespected by his behavior, I felt disingenuous laughing or talking with him. From comments he made back then, I know that he picked up on my dislike of him. If you wish to experience positive feelings (and avoid negative feelings) in your partnerships, take my advise and discuss it with the same amount of rationality, insight, and caution that you would use in making a deal, entering into an arranged marriage, etc. Otherwise, you might regret it.
My feelings toward my relative have changed since he has begun to share in responsibilities. (Btw, whoever is home shovels the snow. If I am home, I shovel the snow. So there is no indoor and outdoor designation here. And shoveling snow is invigorating.) I can respect him. And so I can laugh with him. Are there other things I would like to change? Yes. And perhaps I will take up the cause to change them. But then again, perhaps not. After all, this is temporary.
What a fascinating article and response!
I have a reverse scenario. I am the guy, and the GF is the slob.
All of this gender argument is sadly misplaced. The important part is the role each person is playing. The gender of the person playing the role is irrelevant.
Like the OP says, my spouse’s needs are sex, food, and distractions (in her case, it goes distractions > food > sex last).
Like the OP says, I can barter/threat/withhold with each of these things. Gender is irrelevant.
I pay the bills, so I can very easily proclaim, “pick up your junk, or no food, wifi, maid service, et al.”
And by god, the dishes will get done! Who would have guessed? Gender is irrelevant.
But the problem is not that simple! The problem IS NOT just “how do I get my hubby to his socks in the hamper?”
The problem is: how do you get your spouse to build better habits?
Not just put the socks in the hamper this time; not just put the socks in when I’m watching.
The problem is, how do you get someone to care about something they really just do not give two cents about.
And the OPs advice will not help us there.
I want my GF to start taking better care of herself and our space (by cleaning up after herself and putting things away). I want this for both of us; it’s in both of our best interests, and we both recognize that. When things get bad (think piles of dishes in the bathroom sink), of course my spouse will jump into action.
The activities get done… eventually.
The problem is my spouse doesn’t prioritize cleaning up. She is so caught up in her own world that everything else can wait. She knows this about herself.
How could you not know, right? This kind of behavior is inefficient, and you can feel it (we’ve all done it). You end up creating more problems for yourself in the future, which sets you up for a negative spiral (put stuff off > create problems > get distracted by problems > put off more stuff > rinse, wash, repeat). This is well documented, don’t take my word for it; the 7-habits franchise puts it succinctly, but the verbose science is there too. Just give it a google.
So what does one do? How do you change?
She wants to change, but the change we’re talking about is “gaining more discipline.” you see the catch-22 right? How can you gain discipline if you are undisciplined? How do you motivate yourself to do stuff when you lack the motivation to do stuff? How do you break the cycle?
The OP suggestions are rubbish*. I’m sorry, but conflict will only breed more conflict. Sure, maybe you get your spouse to put some socks away. But THEY WILL PUT THEIR SOCKS AWAY IN A SUITCASE AND LEAVE YOU.
*Maybe it can work, intervention-style: pull the threats and give your hubby that ultimatum: “get your sh*t together or I’m leaving.” Obviously a ROUGH PATCH WILL FOLLOW NEXT. But, as hubby lives the good life of easy-to-find-socks that comes from taking care of your stuff, maybe he learns by osmosis that it really is easier this way, and BOOM the habit is set.
I don’t like that approach though, personally. I believe it works, but I don’t think the rough patch is really necessary. I want my cake and ” ” “.
I really don’t want to have to leave my GF, but I do need a reason to stay.
I work a 9-5 while she is taking some time to figure things out. (That’s fine, she has some baggage to unpack before she can get to work, so what? Who among us doesn’t?) Now she’s starting her first business, which is awesome. BUT
a) it’s not taking much of her time; most of that goes to social media;
b) it’s not bringing in any money to speak of.
So I’m providing for both of us AND doing the brunt of the house work. What should I do?
Obviously, this is not fair. I’m killing myself with stress and denying her an opportunity for growth by enabling the persistence of a status quo. I need to find a path to an equitable situation, or seriously rethink my priorities in a romantic relationship. I was hoping to find that path here, but I did not. Not at all. so, still, what should I do? What should anyone (M/F) in this situation do?
You don’t have many options:
> Leave their sorry butt, and find someone who ALREADY respects themselves.
> Put up with it, and learn to live with someone who doesn’t respect themselves.
> DIRECTLY teach your spouse to respect him/her self, such as by WRITING A CONTRACT that states each person’s responsibilities (so you can hold each other responsible!).
> INDIRECTLY teach your spouse to ” ” ” “, such as by MANIPULATING the situation so they have build good habits without realizing.
Well, they all kind of suck, don’t they?
I don’t want to leave my spouse. At least not yet. (I just want her to clean her dang dishes!)
I don’t think I can keep putting up with it, not for long any way.
I don’t want to directly work something out if I can avoid it; it makes her uncomfortable, like I’m giving her an ultimatum. I don’t want to ADD any stress to her life; that’s probably not going to encourage her to do dishes.
I think there might be good ways to build good habits for your spouse without them fully realizing. But the OPs suggestions don’t seem like good ideas.
After all that, I think I maybe I will write that contract, and then have a nice friendly talk with my spouse.
Maybe at this point, it’s important to reflect some. What is the context here? Remember, life is short. Even an unhealthy relationship may be a good one; you can still squeeze in a lot of great times before one of you dies. It’s not like you can get in line again, so soak up as much of what you got while you got it! And besides, time heals all wounds, and this too shall pass. Focus on the moment.
Cleanliness-level preference is one of those values that people need to share to live well together. This is one important area where opposites do not attract. I learned this the hard way…if you value cleanliness at all…do not hook up with or tolerate a pig because it causes nothing but resentment and disgust as you end up cleaning up after another adult. Or if you are nasty fucking pig, don’t pretend to be clean to hook someone and then gradually slide back into rolling around in your own shit. Be honest up front about how you like to live so people know what they’re getting.
Just find yourself a new man, but be prepared to have the same issue. Eventually you’ll get tired of sharing your female parts with new people. If it was in us to assist, we’d do it. I don’t have to be told to do the things I want to do, so why should I have to be told to clean up? Positive reinforcement usually helps, but if it doesn’t, then move on. Playing mind games will get you killed nowadays. It isn’t worth the hassle. Get off the internet and talk to your mate.
Listen up ladies, right now!!!!! I have a messy boyfriend. I am very clean, very caring, and, yes, the mess drives me nuts. I once had a spotlessly clean husband.
I mean the guy smelled like the breath of heaven at all times, his bathroom was spotless, he scrubbed and he polished and he never left a thing out of place. He had a name for his cleaning. He called it “buffing and shining,” yes he did. He would “buff and shine” our garage, our lawn, our cars. He could cook like a professional (in pro cookware of course), dress like a GQ model and would even pick up the dry cleaning. Well, after 20 years of BEGGING him for sex, I realized he had been shining the waxed ass of his male lover from graduate school for two decades. So here is what I have to say; deal with it ladies. Suck it up and either don’t move in or don’t get married or if you live with him, draw down your standards, because you are fortunate as hell not to have lived what I did. THE END.
Good Grief,
I am just at wit ends here…my husband works from home and I can tell you he is a PIG. Let me tell you, my day starts at 3:30am every morning. I get up and make sure the laundry is folded and the dishs are out of the dishwasher and put away; this way, when I leave for work, I know all is straight and this is one less thing that I need to do when I get home…WRONG!! When I am driving home, I am dreading driving into the driveway and just seeing what kind of mess that I am walking into…dishes in the sink, trash that is overflowing or he has tied up the bag and thrown it on the lawn for me to put in the trash cans, the bed is a mess and cloths are on the floor…Last night I came home and just cleaned it up again, turned the light out in the kitchen and said, “I’m tired of this crap you cook your own dinner.” I work a full 8 hour day just like you and I come home to this and every night I come home, clean, cook dinner; its just the same thing over and over again. I just went to the bedroom, closed the door, took a shower, and cried. Does anyone have any suggestion? The bacon thing, NOT, and that goes with the SEX and the REMOTE…Does anyone have any other pratical solutions?
Yeah. I love all the bitching about men. And the article says to withhold enjoyable things in the relationship. Holy balls I am glad my relationship isn’t built on high-school level retaliatory behavior as suggested by so many “people”.
PSA: Two options, always. They are to change or stay the same. Pro tip: this applies to every human, regardless of age, race, gender, etc.
I’m a woman and I’ll tell you that these tips are stupid. My boyfriend would get up to change the channel. I’m the one that wants more sex in this relationship and my boyfriend cooks when he’s hungry and half the time he doesn’t even offer me food… I work a full time job and he’s home all day. He trashes the house and if I ask him to help, he says “I’ll do dishes tomorrow” and then the next day, he texts me like “I cant do dishes cuz I’m sick.” My boyfriend wouldn’t fall for any of this stuff.
This is a very sexist article. I cannot believe a woman would write this about a man. In my house, my wife does very little. Anything she does, she uses the phrase, “we need to.” I understand this is just the light piece of journalism.
I understand why you wrote this. The men who don’t clean simply don’t understand how a constantly dirty house can create misery- especially if you are the poor sod trying to pick up after several kids and a filthy spouse. I totally forgive the sexism because I understand how you must feel. Here is my problem. I openly admit I am not the best cleaner, but the rest of my family is worse. Far worse. The problem person however, is not a man, so witholding sex won’t work. She is an expert at it. She also THINKS she is a master cleaner, when what she really does is tidy for half an hour, complain about how everyone else is a grub and then sits on the couch for the rest of the day. Meanwhile, the slave plods on picking up the things as they fall, just staying a step or two behind the bedlam. It’s especially bad considering an untidy woman can leave some awful things lying around in the bathroom at certain times of the month- if you get my meaning. I am trying to finish my degree, these things don’t write themselves, but if the kids aren’t organized, they are late to school/dance/whatever- then you have less time to sort things out and do your real job. It’s a spiral that really puts a dent in the relationship.
My husband works 40 hours a week; I work 70-85 every week. No exaggeration. He refuses to work overtime at his job, but it is mandatory at mine because I am a supervisor and short staffed. Plus, I pay ALL of our bills, which includes 2 car payments, full coverage insurance on both, both phone bills, cable, rent, utilities, 2 furniture payments… He pays for gas in the cars, which I also help with that too. I clean everything in our house, care for our 2 dogs & there 8 puppies, laundry… EVERYTHING. Any time I ask for him to do any little thing like take the dogs out or change the trash, his response is always, “I am not a little house b***h.” I am very O.C.D & his mom lives in a house, which he was raised in, that should be condemned. It is on my last nerve. I have put up with this for 9 years. I am SO exhausted. You may be asking why is he still in my house, trust me, his own father who has never lived or even dated his mother has asked me the same thing. My answer is because I don’t want to be divorced and in the first 4 years, he was the total opposite. He did everything in the world for me. Then we got married… This is no exaggeration. Today for instance, I worked 5AM until 6PM. I had my entire house clean except the kitchen. All I asked of him is to change the trash, wash the dishes & take the dogs out. He did absolutely nothing but lay on the couch & watch TV all day because he had the day off. So, I started it without saying a word, he walks into the kitchen & said, “I will finish it if you pick my brother up so we can play the game.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I can’t continue to live like this. Now all you judgmental men can take that one up. I know that any man would highly appreciate me, but I just must be stupid. He cusses at me and doesn’t appreciate ANYTHING…
What works on a messy wife? I could use some female intuition. I cannot get her to clean her bathroom and it really grosses me out. There are piles of clothes waist high and trash mounted a couple feet. I’ve tried doing it for her (it takes about 8 hours to finish) thinking if it is clean, she just has to start maintaining. Within 2 weeks, it is back to a mess. I’ve tried talking to her. I’ve even tried threatening with counseling… Although I didn’t commit. I don’t think withholding sex would work. Please ladies, give me some advice!
Withhold sex and see how that works out for you.
Those flirtatious opportunities he encounters elsewhere every single day? You just turned them into his only opportunity to meet a primal need.
Women think this isn’t true simply because they don’t want to believe it is the truth. And many continue doing so until they find evidence of an affair or a porn addiction.
Even a preacher will find sex outside a sexless marriage.
No wonder women turn lesbian. Men are completely worthless!! The only thing they can provide, women can purchase online or at a store. Men still live in the times when women stayed home & raised the kids & cooked & cleaned while the men worked outside the home. Now that women are working, the men still expect the same. Men (most) are a bunch of pansies. Grow up already…we ain’t ya momma.
“We ain’t ya momma” is so right. I hate having to pick up after my man. And I refuse to ask AGAIN. I also have a full time job… I also get home late, later than him some days. So yes, I expect him to help out and pick his stuff up! I even moved the washing bin right next to his shower. I don’t know if this is evil or not… or even if it’s going to work (I’ll keep you posted though) but I stopped picking up after him and I quit playing hide and seek with all his shirts – as of last week. I know where he flung and tossed them…. I just don’t pick them up. 🙂 He’s down to his last shirt and no pants for the week, LOL! I hope this will teach him to toss it in the bin… and if he asks “where are my clothes…??? I just sweetly reply “Well I did the laundry… wasn’t it in the washing bin honey?
Well none of these things made my man clean up after himself. He has his own bedroom and now I just close the door. I have been married for 35 years and almost left him over this. He tells me, “I don’t like to clean,” so he does the laundry and the food shopping. I guess you have to pick your battles.
Mothers, please train your boys to be men, not slobs.
I can not believe I googled this and came to this page. I have been married to my husband for 32 years. Yes, we have our issues. But who does not. But I find it disrespectful to put down a spouse/partner on any website. If you have problems with them, talk it out with them. Not everyone else. 🙂
How can you deal with a man who says: if you don’t like, you can leave. When I moved out of our bedroom 10 years ago into another room due to my father’s illness, that bedroom, bathroom and closet became a hording zone, pig sty. I have never seen such a dirty toilet, sink and mirror. He sleeps in a room full of junk and clothes; everything is laying and thrown around. He bought a lot of junk waiting for depression and now sleeps with it. He packed the attic with stuff and now cannot find anything. Same goes for garage. I cannot park my car there for the past 8 years. I refuse to clean his room. He takes showers in my bathroom. His is loaded with junk. He is a miser, counts every penny. Doesn’t honor any holidays, birthdays. Won’t buy even flowers. We have been married for 35 years; 25 of which I was braking my back cleaning it all. For the past 10 I ask for him to clean up the study and his room, but to no avail. What do I do? We are not talking about socks missing the hamper. He won’t help with dinner, nor with dish washing. Nothing. He will sit by his computer all day now that he’s home. He retired at 52 and for the past 10 years accumulates stuff, doesn’t clean his room and wears the same shorts every day. The nice clothes are just hanging and collecting dust. Thank you.
I have to chime on this article. I will admit I could not get through the whole thing because it appeared to be a lot of advice on manipulation and putting down men as lazy slobs. As a man who works way more than 40 hours per week, has no friends (no time), cleans the toilet seat and toilet, makes the bed, puts dishes away, wipes down the shower after every use, cleans the counter, cuts the grass, does the trimming, bought my family a million+ dollar home to live in, pays for the vehicles and expenses, loves to dish out hugs and is almost always in a naturally happy state, one would think that my wife MIGHT be happy? Not even close.
I firmly believe that when it comes right down to it, there are many women simply not capable of living life in a happy state of mind despite their circumstances because they will always find something to complain about, and ruin their relationship in the process. Their brains are wired to look for “what’s wrong” instead of thinking “God how did I get so lucky?”
You see in my case, sometimes I leave crumbs on the counter too long – like because I wanted to eat my sandwich before cleaning up, or even a few times per year I forget to clean up after my late night snack and find crumbs and a plate there the next morning – and promptly clean it up. Sometimes I cut the grass on Sunday instead of Friday. My home office is a mess because I don’t have any time to clean it, but that’s my space and I tell her to just not go in there. But she can’t help herself. She goes in there, gets into a fit over it, and we all know where that goes. Our home is over 7,000 square feet but she has to go into the tiny space of my office and work herself into a frenzy over it.
My wife views the above infractions as almost capital offences, direct assaults on her worthy of serious reprimand.
The author commented that “all men would be on your couch in dirty underwear, eating cereal and playing video games while you kneel before him waiting for his command to worship him in whatever way he saw fit”. This is so far off the mark it is sad. I have no use for video games. They do not help me accomplish my goals (yes some men have them, and plans to achieve them). The thought of not keeping up my personal hygiene is appalling to me. If I skip even a few days of going to the gym my mind, body, and energy levels all suffer.
All this, yet I am one of those “men”? I am not looking for my wife to kneel before me and worship me, but I certainly would like her to be in a happy state of mind as her mood affects the entire family. Happy wife happy life rings true because mad wife bad life also rings true. Sadly it is super easy to get her mad. Heaven forbid someone touch the floor with a bare foot – the world will end. Her standards are just way, way too high for anyone to meet – and it negatively affects both our children (they don’t meet her cleanliness expectations either) and me.
Think I’m being unreasonable? One of our children so badly wants to meet my wife’s cleaning expectations her closet is organized by clothing type, color, all hangers are equally spaced apart, no clothes are ever on the floor, dusted / wiped down weekly, vacuumed at least once per week, bed is always made to perfection first thing in the morning. This same child felt guilty for applying for a summer job because it meant less time to help wash floors, windows, vacuum, etc. And yes, she was right on the money. She got significant grief from my wife for applying for a summer job because that meant less cleaning time.
So in summary, as a man I just wanted to offer some additional perspective given that the author lumped “all men” into the same category. This is simply inaccurate. If a man routinely sits around playing video games or leaves a mess wherever he goes, he was probably always like that so you most likely knew that going into the relationship, but perhaps read one too many articles on how to manipulate a man to change his behaviour. If his behaviour changed over time and he has become messy, lazy, etc. that’s a different story and worthy of a polite discussion. No need to manipulate ladies. He will change if your request is reasonable and he respects you. If he makes efforts to change but starts forgetting, all it should take is a GENTLE reminder. If it takes more than that, then a frank, yet still civilized conversation is in order. The last thing you want to do is have him start doing the things you want (because you told him it was important to you), and then you give him attitude if he forgets to do them. Remember, these are YOUR rules, not his. If he told you one day “I want you to remember to do xyz every time you’re doing abc,” you might forget. I know my wife often forgets stuff I’ve asked of her. Do I freak out about it? Do I interpret this as “she is lazy and doesn’t care?” Not in the least. I interpret it as “she has a lot of things to remember and simply forgot this one thing.” If it doesn’t set the house on fire why should I get worked up about it? Pick your battles. If you don’t, you probably won’t need to worry about it because there won’t be anyone to have a battle with. He’ll be gone. And so will the next one. And the one after that.